


Rey Tries Things!

by andabatae



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angstier than I meant it to be, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Ben Solo is a Mess, Corporate Ben Solo, Cunnilingus, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Loneliness, Loss of Virginity, Oral Sex, Praise Kink, Rey Needs A Hug, Size Difference, Size Kink, Smut, Sugar Daddy, Touch-Starved, Vaginal Fingering, Vaginal Sex, Virgin Rey (Star Wars), YouTube, Youtuber Rey, accidental sugar daddy, money doesn't buy happinesss... or does it?, sugar Daddy vibes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-15
Updated: 2020-02-18
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:08:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 30,802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22270789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andabatae/pseuds/andabatae
Summary: Ben wasn’t sure how he ended up watching the video, but some combination of boredom, drunkenness, and YouTube’s mysterious algorithm had led him here, and now he was stuck, unable to tear his eyes away from “Rey Tries… Hot Sauce!”-----Corporate asshole Ben Solo falls in love with a YouTuber a decade his junior.
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 1116
Kudos: 3391





	1. Rey Tries… Hot Sauce!

Ben wasn’t sure how he ended up watching the video, but some combination of boredom, drunkenness, and YouTube’s mysterious algorithm had led him here, and now he was stuck, unable to tear his eyes away from “Rey Tries… Hot Sauce!”

“Oh, wow,” a gorgeous British woman said, blinking rapidly as her eyes welled with tears. Her cheeks were flushed an adorable pink. “That’s… very hot. Yikes.”

An array of hot sauce bottles were lined up in front of her, and she’d been working her way through an omelet that was streaked with orderly rows of the various sauces. This was one of the “medium” ones, and Ben could only imagine how red she would turn when she got all the way up to the Ghost Chili Death Sauce.

This wasn’t at all the sort of thing Ben normally watched. He preferred finance lectures and war documentaries to banal user-generated content involving food or pranks or whatever else the kids watched these days—God he sounded old, even to himself—but something about this video was compelling.

Oh, who was he kidding. It was her. Rey. A girl with sparkling eyes, brown hair drawn up in three adorable buns, and an accent straight out of Ben’s dreams.

She grinned at the camera, and her smile made Ben feel like he’d stepped into a fall of sunshine. His cheeks flushed, and his heart raced.

Ridiculous. He was a high-powered, ruthless Wall Street executive. There was no way he was going to get a crush on some _YouTube personality_.

“I can’t believe no one told me this challenge was a bad idea,” she said in a mock-stern voice. “Tell the truth—did you vote for this just to watch me embarrass myself?”

Ben scrolled down to the comments, then abruptly wished he hadn’t. The first two were “ur pretty” and “suck my dick england,” which were uncomfortably close to his own thoughts. Thankfully, the next few were more rational, complimenting her on her courage for trying the hot sauces and suggesting things for the next challenge.

The sidebar was filled with other videos from this series: “Rey Tries… Kayaking!” “Rey Tries… Baking Cookies!” “Rey Tries… Museums!”

It was an odd range of content, so Ben indulged his curiosity and clicked on Rey’s profile, then found the first video she’d ever posted: “Rey Tries Things!”

She sat in front of her laptop in the same dilapidated kitchen that had featured in the hot sauce video. The walls were stained and the window was grimy, but she’d livened the place up with cheery gauze curtains and an array of houseplants.

“Hello,” Rey said, biting her lip and waving at the camera. “I’m Rey. I’m nineteen years old, and I just moved to America for uni.”

Ben winced. Nineteen. That was… young.

 _But legal_ , his horny hindbrain helpfully reminded him.

“I’m not entirely sure why I’m doing this,” she said. “Who wants to watch me ramble at the camera and do things? No sane person, probably. No offense if you are watching.” She cackled, a pretty little burst of sound that was as charming as everything else about her. “Wow, I’m doing great, aren’t I? Already alienating my hypothetical audience.”

Ben was anything but alienated. He was enraptured, infatuated, practically _obsessed_ with her, and he’d only seen a few minutes of a stupid video of her trying different hot sauces. She was right; no sane person should be this caught up in her YouTube channel. Then again, Ben had never been particularly sane.

She took a deep breath. “Okay, here’s the uncomfortable part. To know why I’m filming myself trying a variety of activities, you have to know a little about my past. How I grew up. Let’s just say it wasn’t good.” Her pretty hazel eyes dimmed, and sadness ghosted over her delicate features. “My parents abandoned me at a junkyard when I was a kid, and I ended up in the foster care system. I was malnourished and abused at my first home, then forced to earn my keep at my second. Every minute that wasn’t spent at school or studying was spent working in my foster father’s auto repair shop without pay. I had no social life, no spending money, nothing.”

Ben’s heart ached for her. He wanted to fly to England, find her foster father, and beat the shit out of the man.

Rey smiled then, her expression clearing, and Ben marveled that she could smile at all after a childhood like that. She did it so easily, sitting in that dingy kitchen, whereas Ben, with his money and his penthouse apartment and his high-powered job, barely smiled at all.

“What a sob story, am I right?” she said with a laugh. “But it has a happy ending. I got a scholarship to an American university, and I was able to leave my foster father behind forever. I’m in a new city, I love my classes, and I’ve been making friends. And guess what? I now have enough money and time to do things!” She clapped her hands. “So that’s what I’m going to do. Try new things. Experience the world for the first time. And because maybe someone out there is going through the same thing I went through, I’m going to film this journey to show you that life really can—it _does — _get better.”

Ben’s eyes blurred. He rubbed them, appalled. Was he seriously _crying_ over an internet stranger?

“That’s all for this little video, but I’ll post another one soon. The first thing I’m going to try is fancy cheese! And then maybe hiking.” She beamed, and Ben imagined he felt the warmth of it against his skin. “If you have suggestions for things I should try, leave them in the comments or find me on Twitter. That’s all for now, bye!”

The video ended, and Ben immediately queued up the next one. He was suddenly desperate to learn how Rey felt about fancy cheese.

#

Two hours later, he’d drunk two more tumblers of whiskey and watched all of Rey’s videos—some filmed in her dirty kitchen, others filmed outdoors with a shaky camera phone. She’d tried all sorts of things: pottery, blacksmithing, ballet, wine tasting, barbecuing… even ice blocking, a bizarre pastime Ben had never heard of that apparently involved sneaking into a golf course at night and sledding down the hills on an enormous block of ice. Her squeals of delight as she tried to stay on the block while also filming her face had left him smiling goofily at the screen.

Him. Ben Solo. The man known in his office for being great at his job but a raging asshole. The man who destroyed, on average, three laptops a year. The dickhead who frequently made his assistant, Mitaka, cry. He was a miserable person, yet here he was, smiling at the antics of a nineteen-year-old girl.

Rey’s videos had gathered a small but enthusiastic following, and she seemed genuinely surprised and grateful for the attention. At one viewer’s suggestion, she’d set up a Ko-Fi to fund her adventures. Without hesitating, Ben clicked over to make a donation, choosing a _nom de plume_ to maintain anonymity. Kylo Ren was the name of his Dungeons & Dragons character in middle school—heaven help him if his coworkers ever found out about _that_ phase—but he was too buzzed to come up with anything better.

Her Twitter account was just as fascinating as her videos, full of wry observations and adorable selfies. Her latest was her bundled up in a puffy coat, a scarf obscuring the lower half of her face while a knitted hat with a blue pom-pom obscured most of the upper half. She was giving a thumbs up with her mittens. _About to go ice skating!_ the tweet said. _If I fall on my arse, you are entitled to laugh at me_.

Unable to resist the temptation, Ben made a Twitter account for Kylo Ren so he could comment on her tweet. After much deliberation, he selected Darth Vader as his profile picture. “Your videos are excellent,” he typed painstakingly in response to the ice-skating tweet, the whiskey having impacted his vision and motor function. “Please be careful while ice skating; it can be very dangerous.”

It was well after midnight, and Ben needed to be at least somewhat rested for work tomorrow. After one more longing look at her profile picture—Rey wearing a ridiculous hat he recognized from “Rey Tries… High Tea!”—he closed his laptop and went to bed.

#

He woke up to a headache, a dry mouth… and a notification that Rey had sent him a Direct Message on Twitter.

He sat bolt upright, staring at his phone and wondering if his eyes were playing tricks on him. There was no way she’d reach out to him… was there?

His hand trembled as he opened the message. Christ, he was a mess over this girl, and he had no idea where she lived or if she was even single. Not that she would want to date a hot-tempered, misanthropic man a decade her senior... _fuck_ he was a creep.

> ReyTriesThings: Are you serious? $5,000? That’s way too generous.

Was it? He frowned at the message. Sure, he was one of those out-of-touch Manhattan millionaires, but didn’t Go Fund Mes and the like always have goals in the thousands of dollars? He typed back, cursing his big thumbs.

> Kylo Ren: I don’t think it’s too generous. You make enjoyable content, and the things you try cost money. It makes sense your audience should fund it.

She responded almost instantly.

> ReyTriesThings: dude. most of my audience gives me, like, $5. not $5,000. can i return some of the money to you? i feel bad.

His brow furrowed.

> Kylo Ren: Why do you feel bad? I chose to give you that money. Trust me, I am not strapped for cash.
> 
> ReyTriesThings: jesus. 
> 
> ReyTriesThings: you’re sure? i don’t want you paying me anything if you can’t afford it. if you're, like, starving your wife and kids and dog or whatever.

His lips quirked.

> Kylo Ren: No wife, no kids, no dog.
> 
> Kylo Ren: It’s fine, Rey. Please don’t worry. I chose to do this.
> 
> ReyTriesThings: ...okay.
> 
> ReyTriesThings: then THANK YOU SO MUCH. i can’t express how much this means to me.
> 
> ReyTriesThings: is there anything in particular you want me to try?
> 
> ReyTriesThings: (please don’t say anything dirty, i get enough of that as it is)

Ben blinked. He hadn’t even considered the idea.

> Kylo Ren: Do people seriously do that?
> 
> ReyTriesThings: every day
> 
> Kylo Ren: If you tell me who they are, I can write them a strongly-worded Tweet.

More likely, he would get Mitaka to look up their information so he could hunt them down and shout at them.

> ReyTriesThings: lol
> 
> ReyTriesThings: it’s fine. nothing i can’t handle.
> 
> ReyTriesThings: so come on, Kylo Ren. give me a suggestion!

Ben thought long and hard. What did he want to see Rey do? He liked watching her eat things, partially because of the focus on her mouth and partly because it was charming how obsessed she was with food, but he also liked hearing her laugh. And talk. And… he liked literally everything about her.

> Kylo Ren: I want you to compare British and American snacks.
> 
> ReyTriesThings: oooh, great idea
> 
> ReyTriesThings: okay, that video will be next. thanks again, Kylo. if you have any other suggestions, feel free to DM them!
> 
> Kylo Ren: You’re welcome. I look forward to the video.

He set his phone aside and flopped back on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. His heart was racing, and he couldn’t stop smiling. He’d just had a conversation with Rey, and now she was going to eat snacks for him, and this was the most pathetic, ridiculous crush of his life, but Ben suspected it was only going to get worse.

#

Later that week, Ben spent his lunch break watching Rey’s newest video: "Rey Tries… British Versus American Snacks!"

“Hello!” she said cheerily, waving at the camera. She was in her kitchen again and seemed to have acquired even more houseplants, because it was starting to resemble a jungle. “This week’s episode goes out to Kylo, who suggested I do a taste comparison of British versus American snack foods. I can’t promised to be unbiased, obviously, but I’ll do my best to give your American treats the respect they deserve.” She winked, and Ben’s heart did a weird fluttery thing. It was either arrhythmia or he was really fucking gone for this girl.

“Okay, first up: treacle tart versus pop tarts!” She pulled the two snacks out of a bag. “The treacle tart was surprisingly hard to find. Luckily, I found a bodega that stocks British food.”

A bodega? Ben sat up straighter. She’d been vague about her location in previous videos, but now he wondered… was it possible she lived in New York? If she was in the same city as him, then…

Then nothing. Ben slumped, resting his head in one hand as he watched her sample the treats and make appreciative noises. He was way too old for her and way too cranky and way too… everything. Rey deserved sunshine and flowers and someone to treat her gently. Someone to live a quiet, happy life with.

In the end, Rey preferred most of the British treats, although Oreos beat out Party Rings, scoring the US a single point. She leaned back in her chair and sighed, patting her belly. “That was amazing,” she said, smiling at the camera. “Thank you for the suggestion, Kylo. I’m all sugared up, and now I know where to get British treats whenever I have a craving.” She wrinkled her nose. “Okay, that’s all for this week. Next week… well, I’m not really sure what I’ll be doing. Drop me some suggestions. Bye!”

Ben closed his eyes, basking in the feeling of being appreciated. Of having made someone else happy with just a suggestion. He never made anyone happy.

Of course, not everyone was as easily pleased as Rey. Having been starved of new experiences for so much of her life, she seemed ravenous for them now. The simplest things could make her smile: a sunflower, a soft sweater, the taste of cheese.

Was happiness innate, or could it be learned? Ben had no idea. All he knew was that he had a sudden, all-consuming interest in ensuring Rey’s future happiness. Had she ever been to the theater? Sipped a cocktail on a rooftop? Bought herself something expensive just because she could? Were those $5,000 going towards any indulgences, or would she use it for more practical matters?

Struck by inspiration, he opened the message thread with Rey.

> Kylo Ren: Great video. Glad you enjoyed the snacks.
> 
> Kylo Ren: I had an idea.
> 
> Kylo Ren: I want you to take yourself out on a fancy date. Buy a nice dress, nice shoes, pick somewhere expensive to eat. Drink champagne with your meal. Order dessert. 
> 
> Kylo Ren: You deserve a night where you feel special.

Ben might be a miserable asshole, but he had money, and although money hadn’t bought him happiness, maybe it could buy some for Rey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you like this little fic! I'm not sure how many chapters it'll end up being, but 3 seems like a safe bet.
> 
> (I'm looking back at this a month later and laughing at how naive I was about the length of this fic, but I'm going to leave the note up as proof that I cannot be trusted when it comes to chapter estimates.)
> 
> UPDATE: There is now a Russian translation! Thank you so much to [Elafira](https://twitter.com/Elafira2) for doing this. I'm honored! [https://archiveofourown.org/works/22667155](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22281415/chapters/53211565)


	2. Rey Tries… Dating! (Herself)

Rey responded a few hours after Ben had sent the suggestion that she take herself out on a date.

> ReyTriesThings: wow, i love that idea, not sure about making it expensive, though.
> 
> ReyTriesThings: and i can’t legally order champagne 😂
> 
> ReyTriesThings: the one truly terrible thing about america

Ben winced as he read Rey’s messages. Shit, he’d forgotten—or maybe he’d deliberately blocked out—the fact that she was nineteen.

> Kylo Ren: Right. Sorry about that.
> 
> Kylo Ren: Regardless, I want you to do the rest of it. You’ve lived a tough life; pamper yourself a bit.
> 
> ReyTriesThings: i think you’re the only person who uses semicolons on twitter

Ben’s cheeks heated. He felt like even more of an old creep at the gentle teasing.

> Kylo Ren: I don’t really know how Twitter works, to be honest.
> 
> ReyTriesThings: sometimes i WISH i didn’t know how it worked
> 
> ReyTriesThings: the internet is a cesspool
> 
> ReyTriesThings: okay so next video will be me taking myself on a date
> 
> ReyTriesThings: fanciness level tbd

Ben nibbled his lower lip, debating the wisdom of what he wanted to ask her. Was this crossing a line?

Fuck it. He’d crossed the line the moment he’d sent $5,000 to a nineteen-year-old stranger because he liked watching her eat things.

> Kylo Ren: I’m sorry if that was presumptuous, assuming you don’t have someone to take you on a date.
> 
> ReyTriesThings: nah, you’re good
> 
> ReyTriesThings: one thing i haven’t tried yet is a boyfriend lol
> 
> ReyTriesThings: honestly they seem overrated
> 
> Kylo Ren: They are. You should definitely avoid getting one.

He winced. How was that for transparent and desperate?

> ReyTriesThings: lol
> 
> ReyTriesThings: spoken like someone who knows
> 
> ReyTriesThings: do you have one?
> 
> ReyTriesThings: i know literally nothing about you except that you like darth vader and semicolons

Wait, no, that wasn’t the message he wanted her to take from this. He hurried to rectify his mistake.

> Kylo Ren: No, no, no. I don’t have a boyfriend.
> 
> Kylo Ren: Do you want to know things about me?
> 
> Kylo Ren: I’m a man. 6’2. Straight. Single. Not much fun at parties. I do like Darth Vader, but if my coworkers found out, I’d never hear the end of it.
> 
> ReyTriesThings: why do men always open with their height?
> 
> ReyTriesThings: like, i’d much rather know your thoughts on cheese or action movies or something
> 
> Kylo Ren: I guess we’ve been taught that women value height over other markers of success?
> 
> ReyTriesThings: you’ve been talking to the wrong type of woman, i guess

Was she… was she flirting with him? Ben’s pulse picked up.

> Kylo Ren: In that case… I prefer soft cheeses to hard. I don’t really watch movies, and my only concrete opinion about action movies is that Die Hard is not a Christmas movie.
> 
> ReyTriesThings: WHAT
> 
> ReyTriesThings: dude
> 
> ReyTriesThings: how is it possible for one person to be so wrong

Ben’s cheeks hurt. Why did they hurt?

Oh, yeah. Because he was smiling for the umpteenth time this day. His facial muscles weren’t used to that kind of workout.

> ReyTriesThings: in this essay i will…
> 
> ReyTriesThings: oh shoot, i have to go to class. but get ready for me to tell you HOW VERY WRONG YOU ARE about die hard when i get out!
> 
> Kylo Ren: I look forward to it.
> 
> Kylo Ren: And Rey. I mean it about buying yourself some nice clothes and finding a really fancy restaurant. Don’t half-ass this self-date. I can send you more money, if that would help.
> 
> ReyTriesThings: are you implying i dress like a poor person

Ben started to panic.

> Kylo Ren: Wait, no
> 
> ReyTriesThings: because you are RIGHT lololol
> 
> ReyTriesThings: i’m just kidding
> 
> ReyTriesThings: and don’t send more money, kylo. you’ve already done way too much for me 😘
> 
> ReyTriesThings: gtg, bye!

Once Ben had Googled “gtg” to figure out what she was saying (Got To Go, apparently), he focused on the emoji. Was this like the Victorian language of flowers, where each face had a precise meaning? Was she implying she wanted to kiss him, or was this a generic gesture of appreciation? Was this level of emoji intimacy normal among younger people?

He was going to drive himself nuts if he kept obsessing over Rey, so he did what he did best: throwing money at the problem. An additional thousand dollars ought to make her feel more comfortable about a fancy date.

#

That evening, Ben spent too much time drinking and moping while staring at Rey’s profile picture. How was she so pretty? Why had he been cursed to feel an instant, all-consuming attraction to a woman a decade his junior who might not even live in the same city?

If Ben had wanted to date, he could have found a willing woman in a second. Money, prestige, and height—Rey’s thoughts on the matter notwithstanding—got you places in this soulless city. He had no illusions about the quality of a relationship founded on such shallow criteria, though. And, truthfully, he wasn’t convinced any woman would be better off with him as a partner. Money did a lot, but it couldn’t make up for his mood swings or workaholic tendencies.

Rey, though… Rey he could help from afar. He could give her his money without the baggage that came with the rest of him. Maybe she could admire this online version of himself: Kylo Ren, who was powerful and generous and supportive. Maybe she could come to care for that persona in some way.

He sighed and buried his head in his hands. Wishing for things beyond his reach had cursed most of his life. It had led him to push away his family and embrace people—and business—he hated. It had brought him to the top of his career and the top of this skyscraper, but no closer to actual happiness.

Wanting Rey was just another symptom of the same disease.

His phone buzzed. Despite the morose turn his thoughts had taken, he felt a thrill at the thought of reading another message from her.

> ReyTriesThings: DUDE
> 
> ReyTriesThings: i told you not to send more money
> 
> ReyTriesThings: this is starting to freak me out

Ben felt sick. He was fucking this up before it could ever become… whatever it was going to be. He typed back quickly, trying to mitigate the damage.

> Kylo Ren: I wanted to.
> 
> Kylo Ren: Please, Rey. You have no idea.
> 
> ReyTriesThings: no idea of what?

He typed and retyped his response, trying to explain exactly what he was feeling in the least creepy way possible. Eventually he just sighed and hit Send, figuring he was bound to drive her away eventually.

> Kylo Ren: How empty my life is. I have more money than I could spend in a lifetime, but I have no friends. No grand cause. Nothing to keep me going. And this is going to sound insane, but I saw your videos and saw someone who was truly passionate about life. Someone with drive and hope and dreams-and not just big dreams, really fucking ordinary dreams I never would have thought about, like going to a museum or making the perfect grilled cheese. You live, Rey, in a way I don’t. My money hasn’t made me any happier, but it could make you happier, and if it does… I want to spend it like that.

She didn’t respond for a long time. Ben paced his apartment, running his hands through his hair and swearing under his breath. He’d come on too strong, absolutely ruined things, when he could have just watched her videos and been content with having that small piece of her. But Ben was never content, he always wanted _more_ , even from sweet young things who deserved way better than him…

His phone vibrated.

> ReyTriesThings: wow
> 
> ReyTriesThings: that was… really touching. thank you for being so honest with me, kylo.
> 
> ReyTriesThings: i’m not going to lie- being the recipient of someone else’s charity bothers me. i’m always looking for the catch. waiting for a seemingly good situation to fall apart.
> 
> ReyTriesThings: product of a bad upbringing, i guess
> 
> ReyTriesThings: so i need you to tell me, honestly and upfront:
> 
> ReyTriesThings: is there a catch?

Ben expelled a heavy breath. God, what a question. Because yes, there was, and no, there wasn’t. He wanted more of her, but he wasn’t _buying_ her companionship. That kind of mercenary transaction was exactly why he didn’t date.

If she liked his honesty, he might as well keep going.

> Kylo Ren: No catch. Look, obviously I think you’re attractive and funny and inspiring and all that, but I don’t even know where you live, and I’m ten years older than you. I want to keep chatting with you, keep funding your adventures, if you’ll let me, but I’m not buying you or your time. This isn’t a transaction. It’s me choosing what to do with my money, in a way that makes me feel good, for once. If you want me to stop, I will.

It was the best he could manage, since it would have been impossible to distill the complicated mess of his feelings into a more coherent message. There was no Hallmark card for “I’m obsessed with you but also realize I’m way too old and terrible for you. Can I spend my money on you anyway while I fantasize about you in private?” He bit his thumb, worrying at the cuticle as he waited for her reply.

When it came, it wasn’t what he expected. Not that he’d had any real expectations, other than the possibility of being cussed out by a teenager—Jesus Christ, an actual teenager, _fuck_ his life—

> ReyTriesThings: ok

He blinked, trying to parse the meaning behind those two letters. Someone needed to write a dictionary to help interpret the brief, confusing messages of the YouTube generation.

> Kylo Ren: Ok? Ok what? Ok you want me to stop? Ok I can keep sending you money?
> 
> ReyTriesThings: ok, you can send me money. and i’ll talk to you when (and if) i want to, but not because you bought me.
> 
> ReyTriesThings: you’re more upfront than anyone i’ve chatted with on this site.
> 
> ReyTriesThings: and i don’t know what it’s like to be rich and bored, but i know what it’s like to be lonely.

His heart ached, and his eyes blurred. Shit, how had she drilled down to the core of him so quickly and easily? His coworkers would have laughed at the thought of Ben Solo, hardass businessman and ruthless negotiator, feeling _lonely_. That was what the money men like him earned was for, right? So they could buy anything they lacked, be it luxury or sex or companionship. 

But Ben couldn’t remember the last time he’d touched another human being, except for occasional handshakes. There was a hollow ache inside his chest, a chasm that deepened every day, and it had taken this slip of a girl messaging him to make him finally put a name to it.

He was lonely. So fucking lonely that sometimes he thought he might die from it.

> ReyTriesThings: so hey, kylo ren: i’m sorry your life sucks and you have no grand cause or friends or anything like that... but you’re not alone
> 
> ReyTriesThings: and if you truly want to spend your money on me, i would be immeasurably grateful. I’m not used to anyone taking care of me- or anyone caring about me at all, really- so i can’t promise to always be graceful about it, but i will always, always be grateful.
> 
> ReyTriesThings: but NO WEIRD SHIT, okay??
> 
> ReyTriesThings: lol

Ben’s emotions probably had whiplash at this point. Rey seemed to use ‘lol’ as punctuation, rather than signifying actually Laughing Out Loud—unless she really was laughing at him?

Christ, this was why people dated within their age range. What was the rule… half your age plus seven was acceptable? Twenty-nine divided by two, plus seven… 

Well, shit. He wasn’t allowed to date anyone younger than twenty-one-and-a-half right now. He ran some more numbers in his head and groaned as he realized he shouldn’t date Rey until she was twenty-four.

Not that he was dating her. Not that he ever would, obviously. Did the same rules about dating apply to fantasizing? Longing from afar?

Fuck it, he was already damned for a myriad of other sins, and it wasn’t like he could stop the freight train that was his Rey obsession. He would just have to exercise some restraint. Try not to make her uncomfortable, whatever sordid thoughts crowded his brain.

> Kylo Ren: No weird shit. I promise.

#

Ben left the office late on Friday night, shaking with rage. Hux, the absolute ass, had challenged his authority in a meeting, and the CEO, Snoke, had actually taken the ginger rat’s side. Ben needed to “up his performance,” even though the latest mishap had definitely been at least half Hux’s fault, or Snoke was going to kick him out on the street.

Panic squeezed his chest at the thought. Not because he was worried about money or shelter or anything like that, but because he had no idea what he would do without Snoke. The man had taken Ben under his wing years ago, taught him how to be a man, how to gain and wield power, how to sever his connections to the past and focus only on building a bright future. He was the reason Ben had cut off his drama-prone family, the reason Ben was sitting on millions of dollars and had prime real estate in a city where most people were barely getting by. While the masses were packed in like rats, jammed together in subway trains and tiny apartments, Ben had a private car service and a view of Central Park. His life was _easier_ because of Snoke, his rages and anxieties channeled into ruthless business tactics, the awkwardness of his youth burned away to reveal a stronger, more confident persona.

If Snoke dropped him… what would he have left?

No family, no driving purpose to fill his days, nothing to distract him from the emptiness of his luxury apartment. Nothing to fill the void in his soul.

“I’ll walk,” he snarled at his driver, who stood waiting for him at the curb beside the sleek black car. Knowing he was being a jerk, Ben handed the driver a wad of bills to make up for his rudeness.

The driver nodded serenely. By now, he was well-used to Ben’s temper. “See you Monday morning, boss. Give a ring if you need the car over the weekend.”

Ben nodded and stormed away, unbuttoned suit coat flapping around him. He needed to expel this nervous energy somehow, needed to vent his rage on the dirty sidewalks of this city that never slept. The great, impersonal machine of New York City buzzed around him, full of blank-eyed commuters, desperate vendors, and men in identical-looking suits shouting into their cell phones.

Three blocks into his fifteen-block walk, the skies opened up, and rain started pelting down. Ben swore and kicked a trash can, startling a group of girls who’d been chatting under an awning. They looked at him fearfully, and that made him feel even worse. He was a monster, unfit for polite company. Undeserving of anyone’s compassion.

He could have bought an umbrella, but it felt better to let the rain soak him to the bone. So what if his suit was ruined? He had a dozen more.

By the time he made it to his apartment, he was shivering. He brushed off the doorman’s concern and headed to the elevator, earning glares from other residents as he dripped water all over the marble. He sneered back at them. None of them owned the penthouse, did they?

Once he was in his living room—decorated minimalistically, because he didn’t care about anything enough to put it on display—he immediately poured himself a tumbler of whiskey. It burned going down, scouring his throat and instantly warming him. He poured another, then stripped off his sodden clothes, replacing them with black boxer-briefs and a black bathrobe. As he towel-dried his hair, he was far too aware of his laptop sitting in the other room. It called to him, told him to indulge his latest obsession, but he took a certain sick pleasure from denying himself.

Eventually, though, he broke. He brought the laptop to the couch and sat, navigating straight to YouTube.

She’d posted it.

He breathed a sigh of relief, and tension drained out of him. Rey had told him she’d planned her self-date for Thursday night and was hoping to upload the video on Friday. And there it was: “Rey Tries… Dating! (Herself).”

“Hey,” she said, beaming at the camera. She was in some dingy apartment hallway, and the buzzing lights overhead made the blue satin clinging to her shoulders shine. Stud earrings sparkled at her lobes, and her hair was down around her shoulders for once. “As you can see, I’m very fancy today.” The camera panned quickly down to her feet and back up, and Ben groaned when he saw how tight the dress was. She was wearing black, open-toed stilettos, too, and her gold-painted toenails peeped out.

“Tonight, I am going on a date.” She grinned. “With myself. I bought myself this dress and shoes, and now I’m going to find a nice restaurant, and then I’m going to eat there all by myself, and afterwards maybe I’ll take myself on a romantic walk in the park.”

The camera bobbed as she descended the stairs, her heels clicking. “I’ve never been on a date with anyone,” she confessed, “so I don’t know what the etiquette is, but I am fully prepared to woo myself.” She winked at the camera, and Ben’s dick twitched. Fuck, he was pathetic, but he couldn’t stop watching, riveted to the sight of Rey’s sparkling eyes and rosy lips. She looked radiant, like an angel.

“I won’t show you the name of the restaurant, because I don’t want any stalkers. Stalking isn’t cool, guys.” She shook her finger at the camera with her lips pursed in a mock-reproving manner. “But I’ll do little clips during the meal and after. I plan to order the craziest, most expensive-sounding thing on the menu, whether or not I have any idea what it is.”

Ben felt guilty and happy all at once. Since he had no idea where she lived, this wasn’t stalking, right? This was just him doing something good for a less fortunate person.

He watched raptly as the video cut to footage of her sitting in a dimly-lit restaurant, eyeing a menu that was angled away from the camera. “I’m going to be honest with you,” she murmured. “I have no idea what half these things are. I’m going to get the Mousse de Foie Gras and the Filet Mignon En Croute.” She winced. “Sorry if my French is terrible. I studied Spanish in school.” She suddenly put the phone face-down in her lap—which didn’t show anything interesting but the grief gleam of blue satin—and Ben heard the muffled sounds of her ordering.

She picked the phone back up soon after and giggled into the camera. “God, I’m so obnoxious with my phone out at this extremely fancy restaurant. I won’t film the whole meal, just bits.” She wrinkled her nose. “D’you know, I don’t think they trust me? I got ID’d just for being here, even without ordering alcohol. I suppose solo dining at upscale restaurants at my age is a little weird.” She shrugged. “Luckily, I don’t give a shit.”

The entire video was charming, from Rey’s horrified discovery of what foie gras was to her delighted moans when she tasted filet mignon for the first time. It made Ben want to take her out to every fancy restaurant he knew, just for the privilege of watching her experience new foods. If she were his to take care of…

She wasn’t, though. She never would be in any real way. He drained the tumbler of whiskey, then poured another. At least he had this much—the ability to pamper her from afar by giving her his money and his suggestions.

After dessert—a pistachio ice cream she moaned about in an obscene way that tented Ben’s pants—Rey concluded the video with a walk through a small park that he didn’t recognize. He hadn’t left Manhattan in ages, though, and when he did, it wasn’t to visit parks, so maybe she really was in New York?

He liked to imagine she was here in the city with him. Wandering some quaint park in Brooklyn or Queens, just a short drive away. Maybe they were breathing the same air, seeing the same stars, marveling at the same moon. He opened his window to let the cool, crisp air in, imagining she was doing the same thing somewhere across town.

His phone vibrated.

> ReyTriesThings: did you watch the video?
> 
> ReyTriesThings: i did what you suggested
> 
> ReyTriesThings: it was incredible.
> 
> ReyTriesThings: so… thank you, Kylo.
> 
> ReyTriesThings: for pushing me out of my comfort zone. for giving me the money to actually treat myself to something fancy. even if i never do it again, i’m never going to forget what that meal tasted like.

Ben’s chest ached. She was so good, so sweet, and she deserved a million wonderful things.

> Kylo Ren: I’m glad.
> 
> Kylo Ren: The video was great, of course, but I’m just happy knowing you got to experience something new.
> 
> Kylo Ren: Your next mission, should you choose to accept it…
> 
> ReyTriesThings: and you say you don’t know anything about action movies
> 
> ReyTriesThings: all right, lay it on me. what should i do next?

What would Ben buy her, if she were his to take care of? Food, clothing, housing, a trip around the world, literally anything she wanted. But he could start small, with little indulgences he was sure she’d never sampled.

> Kylo Ren: A spa. You’re going to go to a day spa, get a facial, soak in fancy tubs, get a manicure, and whatever else happens there.
> 
> Kylo Ren: Having never been to a spa, I’m not sure, but I hear they’re very relaxing.
> 
> ReyTriesThings: oooooooh
> 
> ReyTriesThings: okay!
> 
> ReyTriesThings: thanks for the suggestion, Kylo 😘

And just like that, he felt a million times better than he had when he’d left work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess what? This wordy bitch just upped the chapter count. Hope you don't mind!
> 
> Thank you for all the support of this fic. I was blown away by the number of comments, and I've been rereading them endlessly. Thanks for making me smile! If you liked this chapter, too, please let me know!


	3. Rey Tries… Going to a Spa!

“Tell me the truth,” Rey said, wrinkling her nose at the camera. “Do I look ridiculous?”

Ben laughed out loud. Christ, when was the last time that had happened? But he couldn’t help it; her entire face was coated in green slime, and her hair was twisted up in a white towel. She turned this way and that, demonstrating the face mask to her viewers.

“I’ll be honest,” she said. “I had no idea what to expect when I walked in here. The only thing I know about spas is that you’re supposed to put cucumbers on your eyes, although fuck knows why. But the very nice lady added all this goop, and now I’m supposed to be letting it do its magic?” She tilted her head this way and that, then pursed her lips. “No sign of cucumbers so far, but if that happens, I’ll ask her to take a photo for Twitter.”

She reminded Ben of that green character he always saw on billboards advertising the Broadway show _Wicked_. Would Rey like to see a Broadway show? He paused the video, then added that idea to the Google doc he’d been compiling.

“I had to ask special dispensation to bring my phone with me,” Rey continued. “I told her I was a YouTuber, and she just sort of sighed in a really sad way.” She laughed. “I feel a little guilty, but not enough to stop. This place is great!” She grinned widely, then winced. “Oh, wow, this mask is getting really stiff. Did I crack it? I think I cracked it. Is that bad?”

The video continued, little snippets of footage between massages and hot tubs. The manicurist allowed Rey to take some footage of the process, which Ben appreciated. He liked seeing the little things that went into her self-care, liked hearing her reactions to it. Rey seemed delighted but a bit embarrassed by all the fuss, a reaction that charmed him and made him want to make even more of a fuss over her.

The video concluded with Rey leaving the spa looking hazy-eyed and relaxed, a soft smile on her lips. “Thank you for the suggestion,” she said, in a voice he knew was all for him. “That was amazing.”

It was all Ben needed to hear to make the entire thing worth it. He grinned at the screen, then promptly sent her another $1,000 on Ko-Fi. _For future adventures_ , the note said.

#

They continued like this for weeks, then months. New York’s tempestuous winter eased into a bright and sunny spring, and as time stretched on, Ben and Rey grew closer. They chatted almost every day, mundane conversations that never went into too much detail about their lives but were meaningful nonetheless. Ben learned that Rey worked at an auto repair shop and loved it; he told her he was in finance and hated his job. He learned her favorite food—pizza with pineapple, mushrooms, pepperoni, and spinach, which was the weirdest fucking thing—and he confessed he didn’t even have a favorite food because he didn’t eat for joy, only for sustenance. Which in turn led to Rey challenging him to discover his favorite food, which led to Ben discovering a deep obsession with pierogis.

Rey tried a wide variety of activities for her YouTube channel, including making tacos, oil painting, and skateboarding. When Ben got his way, he made Rey try things she never could have afforded otherwise: trapeze lessons, a creative writing class, the opera. He even convinced her to try a few spa days and fancy meals off-camera, just for the sake of her own well-being.

Even though he still felt like a creep sometimes—okay, most of the time, especially late at night when he'd been drinking—Ben was happier than he’d ever been.

NYC was a dense pile of stone, chrome, and glass, but it bloomed like nothing else during the spring. Buds burst into life in every small park and patch of earth, mirroring the swelling emotion in Ben’s heart. Below the window of his apartment, Central Park was a riot of greenery and blossoms, and even the people around him seemed more colorful. He started paying attention to the smiles on strangers’ faces as he passed them on the street. He wondered about their lives, wondered who they were rushing home to, wondered who they dreamed about late at night. He often imagined Rey beside him, speculating quietly in his ear. What would she have to say about the world Ben inhabited?

Nothing good when it came to Snoke and his workplace, Ben was certain of that. His work stress was only growing more intense, but every time he fell into a rage or felt the urge to trash his apartment, he pulled up one of Rey’s videos instead, and her lilting accent soothed him instantly.

There were slip-ups, of course, but overall, he felt more like a human being than he had in years.

One night, after posting “Rey Tries… Volunteering at a Soup Kitchen!”, Rey reached out to him.

> ReyTriesThings: hey

It was late for her—normally she went to bed early on weeknights so she’d be rested for class in the morning. Ben was up late, drinking and brooding over a financial report, but he discarded the work instantly in favor of talking to her.

> Kylo Ren: Why are you awake? You have class in the morning.
> 
> ReyTriesThings: can’t sleep
> 
> ReyTriesThings: i was thinking about the soup kitchen

She’d been so sweet in that video, smiling as she helped stir a pot of chili, laughing as she ladled it into a bowl while one of the other volunteers filmed.

> Kylo Ren: Why did you do that, anyway? It’s not exactly a life experience like going to the ballet.
> 
> ReyTriesThings: because i relied on those when i was a kid. sometimes it was the only way i got to eat.

Familiar rage washed over Ben at the thought of her suffering in foster care. She hadn’t told him everything about her childhood, but she’d told him enough for him to know that if he ever encountered Unkar Plutt, the man was in real danger.

> Kylo Ren: I’m so sorry, Rey.
> 
> ReyTriesThings: eh
> 
> ReyTriesThings: it is what it is. but you wanna know what’s stupid?
> 
> ReyTriesThings: a homeless family came in together and i was jealous.
> 
> ReyTriesThings: can you imagine? jealous of people who have nothing just because they get to be a family. like how petty can i be?

His heart ached for her. Rey deserved so much goodness, and the world had seen fit to give her so little. Ben was doing his best, one deposit at a time, but money wasn’t a substitute for a family, even if it was his own broken, imperfect way of telling her she mattered.

> Kylo Ren: You aren’t petty. You’re a good person who’s had a tough life.
> 
> Kylo Ren: I bet you served that family chili anyway. I bet you smiled at them and talked to them and treated them like real people. Am I right?

She was quiet for a long time. Ben spent the time thinking about his own treatment of the homeless. Had he ever given someone his money or time just because it was the right thing to do? Even with Rey, his motivations were partly selfish, his gifts to her a way to let him bask in a little bit of her light.

He should be the one volunteering at a soup kitchen, not her. He should be the one feeling guilty.

> ReyTriesThings: yeah
> 
> ReyTriesThings: i guess you’re right
> 
> ReyTriesThings: do you have a family?

He winced. God, this was not a discussion he wanted to have. Not now, while drunk and a little morose, as he always got late at night. Not ever, really.

> Kylo Ren: Sort of. I have parents, but I fell out with them years ago.
> 
> ReyTriesThings: what? why??
> 
> Kylo Ren: They didn’t like my career choices. Told me I was selling my soul for a fancy watch and a nice car. I told them to fuck off and stop trying to micromanage my life.
> 
> Kylo Ren: We haven’t spoken since.
> 
> ReyTriesThings: were they right? about your soul?

He blew out a heavy breath.

> Kylo Ren: Yes.
> 
> Kylo Ren: But what kind of people abandon their kid over a career choice?
> 
> ReyTriesThings: bad parents, is what. or at least short-sighted ones.
> 
> ReyTriesThings: but i bet they regret it
> 
> ReyTriesThings: have you thought about reaching out?

The familiar weight of loneliness and longing settled over him like a shroud. Han and Leia wouldn’t want to hear from him; if they hadn’t reached out in over five years, they weren’t going to now, and his own pride wouldn’t accept humbling himself to beg for their acceptance. He had gone too far down this path; now there was nothing to do but accept the consequences.

> Kylo Ren: Even if I wanted to, I wouldn’t know where to begin.
> 
> ReyTriesThings: i’m sorry, kylo
> 
> ReyTriesThings: i bet you miss them.
> 
> ReyTriesThings: but...
> 
> ReyTriesThings: i guess there’s this shitty part of me that’s upset you haven’t tried to contact them. the same stupid part that felt jealous at the soup kitchen.
> 
> ReyTriesThings: and i know it was more complicated than that, that they threw you away, too, which is fucked up, but still. i guess i’m jealous you had a family to begin with.
> 
> ReyTriesThings: not that this is the suffering Olympics or something, jesus. everyone’s pain is different. sorry, i’m a mess tonight

He rubbed his chest, as if that would ease the ache. It didn’t, so he chose the next best option and drained his tumbler of whiskey. It burned on the way down, which felt right. Some creatures were meant to hurt. Some deserved it.

> Kylo Ren: No, I get it.
> 
> Kylo Ren: But like you said, they threw me away too.
> 
> Kylo Ren: They could have reached out, and they didn’t.
> 
> Kylo Ren: I’m sorry you never had a real family.

Maybe she would have done better with Han and Leia than he had. They would love her, he realized. Leia would be charmed by her wit and gumption, and Han would enjoy her sly humor and resourcefulness. She would have been the perfect child: everything Ben wasn’t.

He was ashamed of the spike of envy that followed the thought.

> ReyTriesThings: i want a family more than anything
> 
> ReyTriesThings: not even kids, necessarily. not right away, anyway
> 
> ReyTriesThings: but families… it seems like being on a team. like someone has your back no matter what.
> 
> ReyTriesThings: that’s what i want.

How could one person inspire such a complex mix of emotions? His heart hurt, and he couldn’t tell if it was sympathy or longing or anger at a world that would make a man like Ben rich but leave an angel like Rey all alone.

The acid sting of bitterness climbed his throat. Rey deserved a family. She deserved to be cherished by a good man.

Ben wasn’t a good man. He provided for Rey however he could, but she would never truly be his.

Even so, he couldn’t stay away.

> Kylo Ren: I have your back.
> 
> ReyTriesThings: oh, kylo.
> 
> ReyTriesThings: we’re just lonely souls connecting on the internet
> 
> ReyTriesThings: you don’t know me, not really
> 
> Kylo Ren: I could. If you wanted.

Why had he typed that? He cursed and tugged at his hair, wishing he could take it back. He knew better than to set himself up for that kind of rejection. Rey had every right to tell him to back off, and it would break whatever heart he’d managed to grow since learning about her existence.

She didn’t respond.

“Fuck.” He buried his head in his hands. “Fuck!” He’d ruined this with his own selfish desires, his own foolish fantasies of seeing her, touching her, _loving_ her. She was so young and bright, so beautiful, and she deserved better than messages from a creep like him—

His phone vibrated.

> ReyTriesThings: i wish.
> 
> ReyTriesThings: but i’m going to be honest here
> 
> ReyTriesThings: i like what we have.
> 
> ReyTriesThings: A LOT.
> 
> ReyTriesThings: and i’m scared of it all going wrong.
> 
> ReyTriesThings: like, what if we meet and it’s awful? what if you hate me? what if i hate you?
> 
> ReyTriesThings: SHIT
> 
> ReyTriesThings: sorry, i’m drunk

Ben’s heart was racing. Was she saying… she’d thought about meeting him? That on some level, she wanted to?

Then he frowned.

> Kylo Ren: Wait, aren’t you underage? Where are you drinking? Are you safe?
> 
> ReyTriesThings: easy there, DAD. college kids drink, you know. and i’m well past legal in england.

He winced.

> Kylo Ren: Please don’t call me dad.
> 
> Kylo Ren: I’m ten years older than you, not forty.

He swore he could hear her laugh echoing in his empty apartment.

> ReyTriesThings: all right, all right, i’m sure you’re very young and eligible and not at all a stick in the mud
> 
> ReyTriesThings: despite your love of semicolons 😉

He wasn’t even going to begin wondering about that emoji. Down that path lay madness.

> Kylo Ren: Rey.
> 
> ReyTriesThings: yes, i’m safe. i went to a party, but i’m home now.

His anxiety settled.

> Kylo Ren: Good. Now let’s back up a second. Are you saying you’ve wanted to meet me?

He held his breath, waiting for the answer that might give him hope, that might tell him he wasn’t alone in this feeling…

> ReyTriesThings: well, yeah. you’re my friend. of course i have.
> 
> ReyTriesThings: but, ya know, it just doesn’t seem like a good idea right now

And just like that, the hope drained out of him.

Her friend. Her totally platonic, money-providing, online-only _friend_.

It wasn’t like he should have expected any different. She didn’t know him, had never even seen his face, and if she did, she probably wouldn’t like it, anyway. His crooked chin and big nose didn’t make him much of a looker, and there was only so long his ears could stay hidden even under all that hair. And even if by some miracle she liked his face, she wouldn’t like his true personality, once she saw it. He would throw a lamp or kick a trashcan or something, and she’d realize he was too volatile to be around.

She might even be frightened of him.

He squeezed his eyes shut, ignoring the sting of tears. He was the older one, the one with the money and power and responsibility to do right by her, and she was a drunk nineteen-year-old with no idea he was obsessed with her.

There was only one way this could go.

> Kylo Ren: All right, we won’t meet.
> 
> Kylo Ren: But I’m here for you, if you ever need anything.
> 
> ReyTriesThings: thanks, kylo. i know you are.
> 
> ReyTriesThings: and i’m here for you too

Late that night, as Ben lay awake and sleepless, staring at the ceiling, he told himself it would be enough. It had to be.


	4. Rey Tries… Having a Birthday Party!

Ben wasn’t sleeping well.

He hadn’t slept well for years, if he was being honest, but it had gotten worse over the last few months. Ever since Rey had made her boundaries clear—that they were _just friends_ and would never meet in person—Ben had been staying up later and later. Every time he lay down, the empty darkness of his room surged over him, the stale air condensing into an oppressive weight on his chest. He was suffocating in his solitude, tormented by a longing that was impossible to articulate. He wanted something—no, _needed_ it—that he could never, ever have.

It wasn’t just wanting Rey. She was the lightning rod that had attracted his tormented desires, but the real malady lay beneath Ben’s skin.

He was alone. He would always be alone.

Other men in his position didn’t feel like this. Other men had families or wives or mistresses or _someone_ who gave a shit if they kept breathing day in and day out. The issue, then, was with Ben, who had never been good enough to be wanted.

He still interacted with Rey; he couldn’t help it. He sent her money and watched her videos and chatted with her late into the night, grateful for her insomnia on nights when his still apartment grew so oppressive he thought he might scream. She tried skiing and knitting and kombucha, and Ben basked in the warmth of her innate glow, letting her light stave off his darkness for a few precious minutes at a time. He learned about her best friends Finn and Rose, her hardass history professor, her innate talent at beer pong. In return, he shared pieces of himself—the isolation of growing up with a mostly-absent father and a workaholic mother, the tension that had been building in the office as Snoke pitted his underlings against each other… even his loneliness.

> Kylo Ren: It feels like the entire world knows how to have relationships, and I don’t.
> 
> Kylo Ren: I feel like I’m wearing a mask every day, and I hate it, but I don’t know how to be my authentic self with anyone. I’m not even sure I know what my authentic self is.
> 
> ReyTriesThings: me too

Ben scoffed out loud. It was midnight, and he was sitting upright in bed, where he’d been trying, unsuccessfully, to sleep for the last hour. Rey’s message had been a welcome reprieve from his whirling thoughts.

> Kylo Ren: Yeah, right. You’re young and fun and gorgeous. Who wouldn’t want to be your friend?
> 
> ReyTriesThings: you don’t think the youtube persona is a mask? you think i’m that bubbly all the time?
> 
> ReyTriesThings: no, kylo. i’m aware every second i’m recording that some kid like me, fresh out of the system, could be watching and hoping life gets better. i need to be positive for them.
> 
> ReyTriesThings: and life IS better, i’m not trying to say it’s not. especially since you’ve been helping me experience so much stuff. but having money and freedom hasn’t fixed all the stuff inside, ya know?
> 
> ReyTriesThings: shit, i don’t mean to sound ungrateful

Ben swiped at his eyes. Before he'd “met” Rey, he’d never been the type to cry easily. He couldn’t remember the last time he'd cried, in fact. Maybe the day his mother had told him he was a disappointment to the entire Skywalker-Solo-Organa family line…

He shut that line of thought down quickly.

> Kylo Ren: You don’t sound ungrateful.
> 
> Kylo Ren: And also, we’ve talked about this. You don’t owe me anything. That includes false happiness. We’re friends, right?

His ribs felt like they were squeezing his heart into a pulp. He told himself it was fine. He _liked_ being friends with Rey, so why bother mourning the loss of some imaginary deeper relationship? He should be grateful for what he had, otherwise he would be just another creep bitching about being in the friend zone.

He wasn’t angry at her for wanting their relationship to be platonic. He wasn’t trying to trick her into loving him or trying to buy her affections. He just… wished. And Rey never needed to know about those wishes, but they still hurt, like thorns embedded in his heart, drawing blood with every pulse.

None of it was her fault, though, nor her burden to bear. So Ben would bear it alone and give her whatever he could, whether or not it aligned with his own selfish desires.

> ReyTriesThings: yeah…
> 
> Kylo Ren: So please. Don’t wear a mask with me. Be you.
> 
> ReyTriesThings: i’m crying now
> 
> ReyTriesThings: thank you, kylo
> 
> ReyTriesThings: please don’t wear a mask with me, either
> 
> ReyTriesThings: i like you just the way you are
> 
> ReyTriesThings: i like you a lot

Ben’s lips ticked up. Some of the churning agony faded. Even if she would never love him, she found some value in him.

> Kylo Ren: Thanks. I like you a lot, too.
> 
> Kylo Ren: You should go to bed, Rey. Don’t you have History in the morning?
> 
> ReyTriesThings: oh
> 
> ReyTriesThings: yeah, i guess.
> 
> ReyTriesThings: thanks again, kylo

His fingers were moving before he could think through the wisdom of what he was about to do.

> KyloRen: Ben. My real name is Ben.
> 
> ReyTriesThings: oh my god we’re on a first-name basis now????
> 
> ReyTriesThings: BEN
> 
> ReyTriesThings: i love it

His heart skipped a beat at that.

> ReyTriesThings: okay, ben. I’m going to bed.
> 
> ReyTriesThings: thanks for looking out for me.
> 
> Kylo Ren: Always, Rey.

#

“You’re a fucking snake, Hux!” Ben threw his mug at the break room wall. It shattered, splashing coffee everywhere.

“Jesus Christ, Solo! Get a hold of yourself.” Hux leaned against the doorframe, arms crossed over his chest. “Temper tantrums don’t look chic on anyone earning under seven figures.”

Ben clenched his jaw, grinding his teeth together. “You blamed me for the debacle with the Lawrence account when you know goddamn well that was on you, too.”

Hux shrugged. “The only thing that matters is what Snoke believes, right?” His thin lips twisted into his trademark smirk. “Maybe it’s time you learned to think strategically.”

He was going to murder Hux, he really was. Ben planted his fists on the table and closed his eyes, struggling to contain his rage. The two of them had been pitted against each other from the beginning: both young hires, both ambitious, both cutthroat in the way Snoke appreciated. He’d groomed each of them for positions of power, and with his support, they’d both risen through the ranks.

Now, though, Snoke seemed to delight in turning their mutual dislike into an outright battle for supremacy. “I need to know who the heir apparent to my empire is,” he’d said earlier this week, spindly fingers laced together beneath his chin. “In our world, only the strongest survive.”

God _damn_ Hux. Because Ben was good at his job—definitely better than fucking Hux—but Hux was better at playing politics. And with Hux’s star on the rise, Snoke was bringing all his trademark cruelty to bear in exploiting Ben’s weaknesses.

 _“You’d be nothing without me.”_ The memory of Snoke’s recent words echoed in his head. _“You’re no better than dog shit on my shoe. If you can’t shape up, you’re gone. Good luck finding a new job then.”_

The threat was very real. Snoke’s web of power was extensive, encompassing half the goddamn city. He had politicians, bankers, and lawyers in his pocket. What he wanted, he got, no matter who had to suffer, no matter how much money it took.

Ben had aspired to be like that someday. If he had to be alone, at least he could be powerful. If he didn’t deserve love, at least he could earn respect.

“Well,” Hux drawled from the doorway, “as exciting as it is to watch you brood, I have places to be. I’ve got a hot piece waiting for me downstairs, and she’d just love to get fucked while hearing about how I crushed you in today’s meeting.”

Ben made a strangled noise and lurched forward. Hux, predictably, stayed put, sneering. He didn’t actually want to leave—not while there was still pain to be extracted from an opponent.

Ben was seconds away from grabbing Hux by the collar when he abruptly realized what day it was. “Shit.” He stopped in his tracks and fished his phone out from the pocket of his slacks. 8:38 PM. “Fucking hell."

“What is it, Solo?” Hux asked. “Did you receive news of some new failure?”

“I have somewhere to be,” Ben said impatiently. “So fuck off, Hux. Go enjoy whatever escort you paid to pretend to like you for a few hours.”

He brushed past Hux, taking secret joy in the way the man’s jaw worked soundlessly. Hux had won the day in Snoke’s eyes, but Ben had gotten the last word.

None of that mattered anymore, though. Ben practically ran out of the building to his private car. “Step on it,” he ordered as he slammed the door behind him.

Something very important was happening at 9 PM, and there was no way Ben was going to miss it.

#

He made it just in time. He’d just settled in on his couch with a tumbler of whiskey, still in his work clothes, when the live video started.

Rey grinned at the camera, crinkling her nose in that adorable way she had. “Welcome to my first live video!” The camera wobbled as she shifted position and lifted a glass of champagne in her right hand. “Please don’t call the police, but if you do call the police, I will tell them that this is sparkling cider. Which it is. Of course. Because…” Here she paused to pan her camera around the room, showing bunches of balloons and a few young people chatting while drinking from red cups. “...Because it’s my birthday!”

“Happy birthday, Rey,” Ben whispered softly. The name of the video hit him hard: “Rey Tries… Having a Birthday Party!” The reason it was part of this series was because she’d never had one before. She’d told him that earlier this week, and he got mad every time he thought about it.

“So,” Rey said, centering the camera on her face again. She looked a little tipsy already, the eyeliner on her right eye smudged. “I’m going to have a cake and candles and presents for the first time ever, and I am so excited. My friends are all here, too.” She looked off-screen. “Hey, guys!” she shouted. “Come meet… I don’t know. All my internet friends?” She turned back to wink at the screen. “You don’t mind if I call you that, do you?”

And oh, that hurt. Because Ben had settled—for the most part—into his role as her friend, but he’d still imagined it as something unique to him. Something special.

It was a mask, he reminded himself. Rey pretended, the same as everyone else. But it looked so real as she laughed and chattered and introduced her real-life friends one at a time. Rose and Finn, of course, and then Jessika and Kaydel and Snap, and what the fuck kind of name was Snap? They were all young and happy and vibrant, and Ben felt so old just watching them.

There was a round of tequila shots—"Apple juice, if the police ask!” Rey called before downing the shot like a pro—then a round of drunken dancing, then fat slices of cake. Rey snarfed it down like a feral animal, much to Ben’s amusement, leaving streaks of chocolate frosting on her face.

The doorbell rang, and Rey perked up. “Oh! That has to be Poe!”

Ben stiffened. No, it couldn’t be. Poe Dameron was roughly his age; there was no reason he’d be friends with a now-twenty-year-old YouTuber who lived in an unknown city. This was some other man saddled with that unfortunate name.

But then the camera panned to show a handsome Latino man with impeccable fashion sense, and Ben’s heart sank like a stone. “No,” he whispered, staring at the screen. It was like watching a car crash in slow motion. “Please, no.”

But there Poe Dameron was, kissing Rey’s temple, wrapping his arm around her, encouraging her to twirl and show everyone her sequined dress. Poe fucking Dameron, who was as smirking and handsome as ever, who was _way too old for her,_ and—

Poe lived in New York. At least, he had five years ago, when Ben had stopped talking to his parents. Cutting them off had meant cutting Poe off, since he was always hanging around the Organa-Solos. Leia’s political protégé, Han’s favorite person to talk cars with. Everything Ben wasn’t and never would be.

Poe was his parents’ replacement son. Now he was taking Ben’s place in Rey’s life, too.

Ben was crying now, tears streaking down his cheeks and dripping into his whiskey as he watched Poe joke with Rey’s friends and spin Rey across the dance floor and feed her a slice of cake. They hadn’t kissed or anything, but since Ben would never contemplate getting that close to someone he wasn’t dating, he could only assume they were in a relationship.

 _Guess I wasn’t too old for her, after all,_ he thought bitterly.

Well, that was what whiskey was for, wasn’t it? To dull bitter thoughts and impart a sweet haze that made life more bearable.

He kept Rey’s stream up, unable to shut it off. Rey was so young and alive and _happy_ , and he couldn’t bear to close his laptop and cut off his connection to her light, no matter how much it hurt. Even after Poe picked her up off her feet and spun her around, which led to Ben punching the wall, he couldn’t turn it off.

Eventually, he fell asleep. When he woke again, groggy and hungover, it was 3 AM and the stream was long over. He'd received a few messages on Twitter, though, the latest sent only ten minutes ago.

> ReyTriesThings: hey. yuo up?
> 
> ReyTriesThings: i got your birthday present - thanks so muchhh. i mean, thank yuo always, but this was above an beyond. and im going to use the cash for swordfighting lessons, i think/ and maybe some fancy sushi, and possibly a trip on a boat????
> 
> ReyTriesThings: and i miss youu
> 
> ReyTriesThings: come onnnn be uppp bennnn

Rey was clearly drunk and wanted companionship, but Ben’s head and heart hurt too much to even consider talking to her. For the first time, he ignored her messages.

#

Ben stalked through the narrow aisles of a hardware store, hoodie drawn up to limit the amount of light that struck his eyes. His head pounded from too much whiskey, and he felt like he’d been run over by a herd of elephants.

Not that he’d ever seen elephants. Not that he’d ever fucking traveled at all, because despite the generous salary he took home, he couldn’t take time off for a vacation.

Thank fuck it was Sunday and he didn’t have to be in the office. He worked most Saturdays, but Sunday was the one day a week he normally had off.

He stared at a selection of putties, wondering which one would work best to fill in the imprint of a fist. Home improvement wasn’t his area of expertise, but he was too embarrassed to call the front desk and ask for help. He’d punched a wall because a twenty-year-old whose YouTube videos he liked had hugged someone else. Not just someone else— _Poe Dameron_ else—but still. Ben was ashamed of the outburst.

Rey deserved to be happy, no matter who it was with.

Still. Poe fucking Dameron was the last person on Earth Ben wanted to see her with.

As he hesitated in front of the putties, the strangest thing happened. A pure, musical laugh filled the air, and it felt like Ben’s nerves _sang_ in response.

_Rey._

He swept the hood off his head, then turned, desperate to catch a glimpse of her. How was this possible? Yes, Poe lived in New York, which probably meant Rey lived here, too, but why would she be in a random hardware store in the Bronx?

And suddenly, there she was.

She was wearing a stained brown T-shirt and ratty jeans, her face bare of makeup and her hair tossed up in three messy buns. She was the most beautiful woman in the world.

“I’ll find it,” she called over her shoulder before heading down Ben’s aisle. “Excuse me,” she said, brushing past him.

“Rey.” He couldn’t help it—her name burst out of him.

She stiffened, then spun. “What did you say?” she asked, looking at him with wide eyes.

“Rey,” he repeated, stepping forward. When she backed up a step, he reached out a beseeching hand. “Please don’t be scared, it’s me—”

“Ben?”

The gravelly voice that came from behind him was one that haunted both his nightmares and his most secret daydreams. Ben froze, hand still outstretched towards Rey. There was no way…

“What are you doing here?”

There was no mistaking his father’s voice. Ben felt like he was falling, tumbling into a deep pit that led to an upside-down world. Han Solo was here, in this tiny hardware store, and what were the odds that sweet fantasy and cruel reality would meet here all at once?

A complicated mix of emotions flickered across Rey’s face as she stared at him. Ben wanted nothing more than to talk to her, reassure her, but he could hear a familiar heavy tread coming closer, and this reckoning wouldn't wait. He turned slowly, dreading what was about to come.

“Hey, Dad.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh look! The chapter count increased again!! Whoooops


	5. Rey Tries… Talking About Family!

Han Solo looked… old.

It had only been five years, but Han seemed to have aged at least a decade. His face was wrinkled, his hair almost entirely silver, his shoulders beginning to stoop with age. Ben had grown one very important inch taller than his father around age eighteen, but now it seemed more like two or three inches.

Han eyed him warily, like he wasn’t sure if Ben might shout or scream or knock over a shelf. To be fair, Ben wasn’t sure, either.

“You still with Snoke?” Han finally asked.

A horrible sound burst from Ben’s lips, some mix between a laugh and a sob. “That’s the first thing you ask me? No ‘hey, how are you, can you believe it’s been five fucking years since I last acknowledged your existence’?”

Han grimaced. “Seems like the most important issue, considering everything.”

Ben scoffed and swiped at his eyes. He wouldn’t cry over Han; he _wouldn’t_. He risked a glance at Rey, only to find her looking between them with dawning horror.

She swallowed hard before addressing Han. “You never told me...” Her eyes darted to Ben again. “I didn’t know.”

Ben made another pained sound. “So you aren’t even admitting you have a son anymore, huh, Dad?”

Han at least had the grace to wince. He rubbed the back of his head and shifted from foot to foot. “It didn’t come up. She’s my employee, you know. We don’t talk… family stuff.”

Except from Rey’s expression, Ben could tell they absolutely did talk family stuff. Fresh pain lanced through him. It hadn’t taken his parents long to find yet another replacement for him.

He should have put it together earlier. Rey worked in an auto repair shop, and she knew Poe Dameron… New York City could be damnably small sometimes.

He’d just never imagined that when they finally met, it would be like this.

“I hope you aren’t casting him in some sort of father role,” he told Rey, much harsher than he’d intended. His voice wasn’t under his own control anymore. “He can’t fill that void. He’ll only disappoint you.”

Rey flinched, and Han stepped forward, inserting himself between Ben and Rey. “Watch it,” Han growled. “You don’t know a thing about her.”

How typical—Han Solo would ride to the rescue of anyone in distress, so long as it wasn’t a member of his actual family. Ben caught Rey’s eyes over Han’s shoulder. “I do, actually” he said softly, tracking every flicker of her eyelashes. “I just didn’t realize she had the misfortune of knowing you, too.”

Rey’s hazel eyes grew watery, and Ben felt like a piece of shit. Fuck, this whole situation was a mess. He dragged his attention back to Han, who was eyeing him with a mixture of hostility and confusion. Ben shook his head. “Whatever,” he said. “It’s clear you hate me as much as ever. Congrats on the replacement kid.”

He turned to leave—putty be damned—and was stopped by a hand on his arm. Han’s grip was strong, even after all these years. “Wait,” Han said. “Ben… your mom and I…”

“What?” he spat. He was seconds away from shaking off Han’s hand and storming out.

“There’s a lot of shit to wade through here, and I can’t say I even know where to begin. But, well… we miss you.”

Ben couldn’t help it—he doubled over, clutching his gut as if he’d been stabbed. Of all the cruel things Han could have said, that was by far the worst. “No you don’t,” he choked out. “If you missed me, you would have been there during my childhood. You would have reached out five fucking years ago, or four, or three, or _at all_. You would have cared about my well-being beyond whatever progressive points mom wanted to score politically.” He was crying now, damn him. Even after all these years, he was still pathetic when faced with the possibility of his father’s acceptance. 

He knew exactly what Snoke would say if he were here: _You’ve always been weak, my boy_. _Kill your past. Become who you were meant to be._

But why did it have to _hurt_ so much?

Han looked offended, as if he had any right to after throwing his child away like garbage not once, but multiple times. Absentee Father of the Year: that was Han Solo in a nutshell. And when he finally had gotten involved in family issues, it was to chastise his son for choosing a career over Leia’s ideals. As if Han hadn’t chosen his own selfish desires over Leia’s ideals countless times.

Han hadn’t been there for Leia’s crying fits every time Han had disappeared on a mysterious “business trip” with his best friend Chewie. He hadn’t witnessed the way Leia had fretted over Ben, so worried he’d end up ‘going down the wrong path’ that Ben had developed a complex about it. Han hadn’t _been there._

“If you missed me,” Ben continued, fury rising to meet his grief, “you would have kept tabs on me. You would have asked if it was worth it, if I was happy.” He swallowed hard. “We wouldn’t be standing here if you actually missed me.”

“Ben.” The soft voice was Rey’s. Ben shook his head, unable to look at her. He couldn’t stand to see her sweet face—one more good thing Ben could never have and would never deserve.

Han cleared his throat. “Are you?” he asked gruffly. “Happy?"

Ben laughed again, although there was no real mirth in it. He raised his eyes to the ceiling, blinking against the tears that wanted to spill. The ceiling tiles were yellowed with age and pockmarked with dents and punctures, like some bored worker had once stood here tossing a pencil over his head, seeing if he could make it stick.

The whole world was like that. Damaged, decaying, riddled with holes.

“No,” he said. “I’m not.”

With that, he walked away.

#

“Ben! Hey, wait. Ben!”

The shout came from behind him, and the sheer shock of hearing it froze Ben in place. He was halfway to the nearest subway station, so desperate for an immediate escape that he hadn’t even called a car service.

The pounding footsteps grew louder, and Ben turned to see Rey running towards him. She stopped a few feet away and bent over, hands on her knees as she puffed out heavy breaths. She groaned as she straightened up. “I can’t tell if I’m out of shape or if all the tequila last night has impacted my stamina.”

He wanted to weep all over again just looking at her. She was so lovely, even in her ragged clothes, even with heavy circles under her eyes, even with her face reddened from her run. She was sunlight personified, lighting up this grimy sidewalk. And just like sunlight, it was almost physically painful to look at her.

“So,” she said when he just kept staring at her. “You know me, and your name is Ben… Are you…” She trailed off and cocked her head, and he knew she was expecting him to finish her sentence.

He cleared his throat before answering. “Kylo Ren? Yeah.”

Her mouth wobbled. She took a half-step forward, then shifted back, as if unsure how close to get to him. He didn’t blame her, even if her hesitation stung. “You’re real,” she said wonderingly. “And you’re here.”

“I am.”

“You didn’t say you were hot,” she blurted. When he gaped at her, her cheeks got even redder. “Shit, sorry, absolutely the wrong moment for that observation.”

He would argue there was never a wrong moment for that observation, although he wondered if perhaps Rey had forgotten to put her contacts in that morning. Not that she wore contacts, at least not that he knew of. Should he pay her to get her eyes checked?

Then those pretty eyes narrowed, and she punched his shoulder lightly, leaving Ben feeling like he had emotional whiplash. “And you’re Han’s son,” she said. “What the fuck? You haven’t talked to him in five years?”

He flinched and curled in on himself, hunching as if that would shield his sensitive heart from her. Han was one thing—Ben was used to that pain—but if Rey tore him down, he didn’t think he would recover. “You heard him,” he said bitterly. “He didn’t reach out, either. He didn’t even tell you he had a son, and how long have you been working for him?”

“A year.” Rey grimaced. “And I’m going to shout at him, believe me. This whole thing is so fucked up.”

“Yeah, it is.” Ben scrubbed his hands over his face, wishing he felt more alert and substantially less hungover for this conversation. Whenever he’d imagined meeting Rey, he’d envisioned himself wearing his best suit, not the gross hoodie that only made an appearance on days he sent his laundry out to be washed. He’d also assumed he’d be showered and freshly-shaven, not stubbly and stinking of sweat and whiskey.

“So.” Rey bit her lip and shifted from foot to foot. “You’re my boss’s son. And you’ve been sending me money for eight months.”

He shoved a hand through his hair, wincing at how greasy it felt. “Yeah.”

“You never answered my messages.”

“What?”

“Last night.” She looked uncertain. “After my party. They’re all marked as ‘Seen,’ so I know you got them, but you never answered.”

 _Fuck_. Once again, Ben had failed to understand the intricacies of technology. “You can tell when I’ve read messages?”

She rolled her eyes. “Oh my God, you really are that ignorant about social media. Yes, Ben. I can see when you’ve read my messages.”

“Oh.”

“So why did you ignore me?”

He mashed his lips together, rolling them between his teeth while he thought about his response. He had no fucking clue what to say. Rey was here, in person, _talking to him_ , which was one of his most deeply-held fantasies, but he was hungover and sad and reeling from an unwelcome visit with his father, and it was a _lot_. “I, uh…”

 _I’m too old and sad for you, and you’re every beautiful thing I’ve ever craved, the best person in the universe, and I want you so much, but you work for my dad and you’re dating Poe Dameron, and it makes me want to_ die…

The thought of Poe sent him crashing back to earth. He stiffened. “Why does it matter?” he asked caustically. “Don’t you have _Poe_ to chat with?”

Her brows drew together. “Yes? But what does Poe have to do with this? Do you know him?””

A broken laugh tumbled out of him, accompanied by more tears. “Oh, he’s just the son my parents always wished they had. Looks like you prefer him, too.” Fuck this morning, and fuck his life, and fuck every impossible dream he’d cherished late at night, when he was too weak to beat back futile hopes. “Don’t worry,” he said. “I get it. I do, I swear. You want a friend, and this was never anything other than… yeah. But I can’t do this right now, Rey, I can’t.” The tears were streaming down his face now, an unstoppable waterfall of lost dreams. “I’ll just… go.”

He hurried away, pulling his hood up before shoving his hands in his pockets. One more minute in Rey’s presence would kill him. Time to retreat and lick his wounds

Still, part of him wished Rey would run after him again, that she would profess her love and fling herself into his arms for a kiss. Or that she would come after him at all, even if it was to tell him he was an impossible asshole.

She didn’t.

#

Ben’s phone buzzed. He ignored it in favor of sticking his face deeper into his pillow. If he could just pass out, this whole horrible day would vanish, at least for a while. Thank God he didn’t have to be at work. He wasn’t sure he could face Snoke or Hux in this condition.

The buzzing sounded again. Then again. Knowing his luck, it probably was some work emergency. Ben groaned and turned over, grabbing the phone from the nightstand.

Rey had been messaging him.

> ReyTriesThings: why did you run away?
> 
> ReyTriesThings: and wtf was that poe stuff
> 
> ReyTriesThings: im really confused, and i miss you, and i don’t know what to say that would help right now, but can i at least try?

He typed back, one agonizing letter at a time.

> Kylo Ren: I wish you hadn’t seen that. Han and me, I mean.
> 
> Kylo Ren: You would have figured out I’m a piece of shit eventually, but I thought I’d have a little more time.
> 
> ReyTriesTings: whoa, hey. you aren’t a piece of shit.
> 
> ReyTriesThings: don’t talk about yourself like that

Frustration bubbled up in his chest. How could she not see him for what he was? Why was she insisting on being so goddamn kind?

> Kylo Ren: Face it, Rey. I sold my soul for a high salary and tossed my family away. My only friendship is with someone I’m paying for it, because I don’t know how to form real human connections. You have to realize this isn’t normal?
> 
> ReyTriesThings: ...i thought you said this wasn’t a transaction
> 
> ReyTriesThings: that you weren’t buying me or my time
> 
> Kylo Ren: Fuck. Shit.

He wanted to hit reset on this whole horrible day. If he could do it all over again, he’d never go to that hardware store. Better to think Rey lived somewhere far away than to know she was here in New York, close enough to touch, but had seen him at his worst.

Almost his worst. He supposed he could have put a fist through the wall or something.

> Kylo Ren: I’m not. Sorry. I swear, you don’t owe me. I’m just making a mess of this conversation, like I make a mess of everything.
> 
> ReyTriesThings: stop it
> 
> ReyTriesThings: just… go a bit at a time. tell me what’s going on in your head - WITHOUT insulting yourself, please

He took a deep breath. He couldn’t go on like this anymore, marinating in this mix of longing and despair, constantly yearning for something he would never have.

> Kylo Ren: I really like you, Rey. And at this point, you probably know it’s not just platonic. I like being your friend, too, but seeing Dameron with you in your birthday video… I just kind of lost it. I drank too much, and I didn’t answer your messages.
> 
> Kylo Ren: And I feel like a creep. That’s not me insulting myself, that’s just truth. I’m so fucking lonely, and I can’t remember the last time I even hugged someone. I feel half-alive, and I hate my job, and I hate my life. And I found your videos, and it was like the sun coming out. Like I could breathe again, knowing there was someone that bright and kind in the world. I built up this dream in my head, of what it would be like if I could love you the way you deserve, but I know it's just a fantasy. This isn't a romantic comedy-there are no grand gestures or passionate declarations or happy endings.
> 
> Kylo Ren: And that's fine. I've always known what this is. You've never owed me anything, and of course you wouldn't feel the same way. I'm just an anonymous guy on the internet.
> 
> Kylo Ren: Giving you money… it felt good. It still does. I don’t need all this money. I sold my soul for it, and I don’t even know what to do with it. But you’re everything I’m not, and you deserve it all: friends, money, happiness… a life.
> 
> Kylo Ren: It looks like you have some of my old life now, but I’m not mad at you for that, Rey. If Han can be a father figure to you, and if he’s doing an okay job of it, then fine. And if Dameron makes you happy, then fine.
> 
> Kylo Ren: This was never sustainable long-term, anyway. I’ll keep sending you cash, but after today… knowing you saw me at my worst and how disappointed you must be…
> 
> Kylo Ren: I don’t think I can keep watching your videos or chatting with you.

Tears streaked down his cheeks. This hurt worse than anything, but he knew it was the right thing to do.

> Kylo Ren: I’m projecting all my baggage on you, and it isn’t fair to you.
> 
> Kylo Ren: So I’m going to delete Twitter from my phone.
> 
> Kylo Ren: Live your life, Rey. Be happy.
> 
> Kylo Ren: You mean a lot to me.
> 
> ReyTriesThings: wait

But he was already exiting the app, determined to rip the band-aid off as quickly as possible. His thumb hovered over the icon, and then he took a deep breath and uninstalled it.

#

He let himself watch one more video. It was something she’d posted just an hour before—sometime between their disastrous meeting at the hardware store and their equally disastrous Twitter conversation.

He swallowed hard before clicking play on “Rey Tries… Talking About Family!”

Rey was sitting in her kitchen, which now looked to be approximately fifty percent houseplant. She looked watery-eyed and exhausted—clearly she’d been crying. “Hey, guys,” she said. “Today I’m doing something a little different. Something happened today, and I can’t just pretend everything’s fine. I do that a lot, you know. Pretend.” She sniffled a bit. “I want kids like me to know life gets better. And it does, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t okay to be sad sometimes. Maybe I should have been more honest about that earlier. My life is fun, and I’m doing so much amazing stuff thanks to a wonderful man who supports my adventures, but I’m realizing how many of us are broken and hurting, so I’m going to talk about that.”

He bit his lip at being called a wonderful man. She couldn’t mean that.

Rey tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. “The thing I want most in this world is a family,” she said bluntly. “For a long time I just thought of it as parents or siblings or whatever, maybe a spouse and a kid someday. But I’ve been thinking a lot, and I’ve realized what I really want is a sense of belonging. If I can belong to someone, and they can belong to me, it doesn’t matter if they’re my family or not.”

She shrugged. “I guess that’s the concept of ‘found family.’ I always just called them friends, but I think that’s what people mean. It’s not like people fall into neatly labeled slots in your life, like a surrogate dad or a replacement mom or anything like that. Sometimes those relationships are messy, and it’s hard to define them. They can still be important, though.”

She grabbed a mug from off-screen and sipped, sighing in appreciation. “Thank God for that tea-sampling episode. This is about the only thing keeping me sane these days, between class and work and everything.” The mug clinked on the table as she set it down. “Anyway, I’m not here to talk about tea. Or to try anything, really. I just want to encourage you to look at the relationships in your own life, both family and otherwise. Love is a precious, rare thing, and sometimes it can get tested and damaged, and sometimes people hurt each other, but that doesn’t mean that love should be discarded. It doesn’t mean it can’t flourish again.”

She smiled softly at the screen. “I hope you’re watching,” she said. “You know who you are. There’s no neat label for the position you fill in my life, but you matter to me. I wanted you to know that.”

The video ended.

Ben buried his face in his pillow and cried.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am SO SORRY. This was supposed to be a fluffy two-shot, but when I realized I was accidentally writing a sugar daddy AU (that seriously was not the original plan, Ben is not the only one who tripped straight into a sugar daddy relationship without realizing it), I felt the need to dive into the psychology a bit and explore what would drive Ben to give money to Rey. Which meant looking at loneliness and longing and interrogating the weird, slightly creepy dynamic in a hopefully nuanced and respectful way. In short, this led to ANGST.
> 
> Fear not! Things will get better, I promise! But every story needs a dark moment before the dawn, and this is Ben's.
> 
> Thanks for reading and commenting!
> 
> ❤️❤️❤️


	6. Rey Tries… A Grand Gesture!

Ben had never understood the universal hatred of Mondays before. When every day was largely terrible, what difference did it make what order they came in?

This Monday, though, he got it.

His eyes were red and sore from crying, he was exhausted from a sleepless night, and as he trudged into the office, his stomach sank with dread.

He hated it here.

He hated the soulless gazes of everyone from the receptionist on up. He hated the perfect suits, perfect teeth, perfect hair. He hated the echo of his shoes on polished black marble, every step amplified in the minimalistic space.

The First Order's offices were dark, expensive, and sterile, and they couldn’t hold a candle to Rey’s cluttered, cozy apartment.

He winced. No matter how hard he tried to focus on something, anything, else, he couldn’t stop thinking about her. Wondering what she was doing, how she was feeling, if she was angry at him or secretly relieved not to have to talk to him anymore. He’d been checking his phone all morning, a reflex born from countless hours spent hoping for a message from her.

It was good he’d deleted Twitter, even though he itched to know what she would have said in response to his confession. Something sweet and understanding, probably—Rey was the type to let someone down gently—and he would have gotten sucked right back into that cycle of longing and denial.

Still, he missed her. His chest ached as if he'd ripped out his own heart.

Everything went wrong at work. He made a stupid error in a spreadsheet that unfortunately caught Snoke’s attention, and then he was five minutes late to an important meeting. When it was over, Snoke pulled him aside in the hallway to tear into him.

“When I first hired you,” the old man said in a low, cutting tone, “I thought I saw something special in you. Now I see I was mistaken.” The CEO looked like some shriveled ghoul, all wrinkles and thin skin over a gaunt frame, but he exuded more raw power than anyone Ben had ever met.

“Please,” Ben said. He couldn’t lose this job—it was the only thing he had left. “It was one mistake. It won’t happen again.”

Snoke scoffed. “One mistake on top of another. You’re slipping, Solo. You’re _failing_.” He gestured to Hux, who was lingering nearby, blatantly eavesdropping. “Hux has risen to every challenge I place in front of him. Why can’t I say the same about you?”

The vein in Ben’s temple pulsed as his anger rose. He _hated_ Hux, hated his smug smirk, cruel barbs, and amoral manipulations. “Hux is a fraud. He’ll say whatever he thinks you want to hear, whether or not it’s true.”

Snoke’s upper lip curled over his teeth in an expression of distaste. “Unlike you, who cannot seem to say _anything_ I want to hear.”

Hux chuckled, and Ben turned on him, clenching his fists at his sides to stop himself from pummeling the man into a bloody pulp. “Stay out of this,” Ben hissed.

“Why would I?” Hux asked, raising one disdainful eyebrow. “The First Order will be my company someday, after all.”

“Hux.” Snoke’s voice rang loud in the corridor, and Hux flinched. “Be careful with your presumptions.”

“Yes, sir.” Hux lowered his head. “My apologies.”

Snoke turned his attention back to Ben. “One more mistake, and you’re done. Now get out of my sight.”

Ben glared at Hux one more time before heading back to his office. How much worse could this day get?

#

Much worse, it turned out.

He skipped lunch to catch up on work, which put him in a foul temper. The intern didn’t deliver a file in time, which resulted in a delay on a major account, and then the same intern dropped Ben’s coffee, splattering his slacks and ruining several important papers. Ben would have screamed at him if Snoke hadn’t witnessed the error and promptly fired the boy. Then, because Rey had made him more aware of how much the people at the bottom of the corporate ladder struggled, Ben felt guilty for being the cause of the intern’s termination.

That, of course, set off fresh thoughts of Rey, and he fell into a fresh loop of self-recrimination, longing, and despair.

Ben Solo may have damned himself five years ago when he cut off his family to take a high-powered job, but now he finally understood what true hell felt like.

His phone buzzed around 3 pm. Ben lifted his head from where he’d been banging it lightly against the desk. He scowled and grabbed the phone, wondering what Snoke wanted now.

It was a push notification from YouTube. “Rey Tries Things!” was streaming live.

His hand shook. Fuck, why hadn’t he deleted the YouTube app along with Twitter? He wasn’t strong enough to resist this. With a heavy sigh, he plugged in his headphones, then navigated to the video.  
  
It was titled “Rey Tries… A Grand Gesture!” The odd phrase struck him as significant, but he couldn’t think why. She was mid-sentence when he tuned in.

“—and I just think it’s a shame that people don’t do wildly over-the-top things anymore, the way you see in movies.” She was walking down a sidewalk, phone held in front of her, and now that he knew she lived in New York, the shopfronts she passed seemed familiar. There was a certain aesthetic to the city, something gray and cramped yet spotted with color, that could be found across all five boroughs.

“Watch it,” someone said off-camera, and Rey squeaked and jumped to the side.

“Sorry,” she called back, then laughed. “I’m one of those horrible walkers who can’t look up from their phones now, aren’t I?” She grinned at the camera. “But I refuse to stop filming. He deserves this proof that I have feelings for him. I’m going to shout it to the world, then shout it at him.”

His heart sank. This was a video for Poe Dameron. She was doing some “grand gesture” to let Poe know how much she loved him.

Tears welled in his eyes, but he couldn’t stop watching. Some perverse part of him needed to see it happen, needed this proof that she was truly out of his reach. Maybe once he watched her kiss Poe, his ridiculous crush on her would die.

Maybe… but he doubted it.

“I’ll admit, I have a very poorly-assembled plan,” Rey continued. “But I’m thinking a boombox over the head thing like in _Say Anything_ , except updated with a smartphone, obviously. He’s a bit older than me, so he’s probably familiar with the trope.” She dodged another pedestrian, then flinched. “Oh my God, was that a raindrop?” She tipped her head up, then cackled. “I should have looked at my weather app before setting out, but I guess this will add to the ambiance. I’ll stand there in his office like a drowned rat, playing Peter Gabriel for him, and it will be so romantic he’ll swoop me up and carry me out the door.”

God, Ben wished that could be him. His lips twitched at the thought of Rey, dripping wet and playing some old song from a romantic comedy. Amazing how she could draw a smile out of him even at the worst of times.

The door to his private office was flung open, and Ben jumped and tugged his headphones out. Hux was standing there, scowling. “Where’s the report?” he asked. “Snoke’s waiting.”

“Are you Snoke’s errand boy now?” Ben snapped. He was excruciatingly aware of the live feed still filling his phone screen, aware that he was missing precious seconds of Rey’s face and voice.

Hux sniffed, then eyed the phone. “What are you watching?”

“Competitor research,” Ben said, turning the phone face-down. “Now fuck off. Snoke will have the report by the end of the day.”

Hux made a show of looking at his watch. “Clock’s ticking, Solo.” His lips turned up in a cruel smile. “If you’re late, it’ll be the last strike.”

Hux didn’t close the door after him when he left—probably some passive-aggressive move to piss Ben off—but Ben didn’t care about anything but getting back to that live video.

“Only a few blocks now,” Rey said. She sounded out of breath, and her face was damp with rain. “I’m powerwalking because I don’t actually want to resemble a drowned rat, although it’s probably too late.” The phone dipped to show dirty, rain-spattered concrete as she wove through a cluster of people, her Chuck Taylors standing out in a sea of shiny wingback shoes.

Poe was still in politics, no doubt, which meant Rey was probably near City Hall, which meant she was at the edge of the Financial District where Ben worked. So close, but never farther away.

Fuck, he hated this. Why couldn’t he stop watching?

“I’ve been thinking," Rey said conversationally when she was able to lift the camera to her face again. “Why is it so hard for us to be honest with each other? Why is it so hard to say how we feel? Like, I’ve gotten to know this man over the last few months, and he’s got a lovely heart. He absolutely deserves to have someone make a fuss over him, but it’s clear no one really has. I didn’t, either, even though I knew I was getting feelings for him months ago. Why did it take until today for me to tell him?”

Ben rolled his eyes. If Rey had any idea how often Leia had fussed over Poe… and the fuss from all his model girlfriends and his former rugby teammates and all the fucking reporters who’d praised him as a rising star in local politics…

Rey hitched a breath and stopped, hunching over her phone like she was trying to keep it secret. Her hair was loose today, and it fell in rain-sodden tendrils around her face. “I think I’m here,” she whispered. “I’m going to turn off the stream, since he didn’t agree to being filmed, but if all goes well, I’ll hopefully have an update for you soon!” She smiled softly. “And for anyone watching at home who cares about someone but is too afraid to tell them… think about it. If I can march in here and tell someone I adore him, so can you.” She winked at the camera. “Wish me luck.”

The stream came to an end.

Ben sat back in his chair, pressing the heels of his palms to his eyes. His gut felt hollow and heavy all at once, like he’d swallowed a stone. Why had he watched that? All it had done was make him more miserable.

Poe Dameron was about to get the gift of a lifetime: Rey’s generous, open, honest love. And knowing him, he wouldn’t even realize how remarkable that gift was. Rey had come from nothing. She’d been betrayed by the people who ought to have cared for and protected her. Opening her heart meant risking that hurt all over again.

If Ben was ever trusted with something as precious as Rey’s heart, he would cherish it until his dying days.

He picked up a pen, then flung it at the wall. It wasn’t enough, so he swept his arm over the desk, sending piles of paper fluttering to the floor. The stapler and coffee cup followed, and then Ben buried his head in his hands, tugging at his hair and letting out a pained sound.

“What’s gotten into you?” a smarmy voice asked from the doorway. Hux, of course, who’d probably been hovering nearby, waiting for Ben to make another mistake. “I’m sure Snoke will be very impressed with this latest tantrum."

Ben couldn’t take it anymore. He lunged to his feet and marched towards Hux. “If you don’t get out of here right now,” he gritted out, “your teeth are going to be scattered over the floor.”

Hux’s eyes widened as he backed away. “Christ, Solo. You’re acting like an animal.”

“Maybe I am,” he snapped. Hot waves of humiliation and fury pulsed through him. “Care to test how much of an animal I can be?”

Just then, there was a commotion at reception. Muffled voices rose in an argument, and as they grew louder, Ben stopped in his tracks. One of those voices seemed so familiar, but no, it couldn’t be…

Hux took the opportunity to scurry off, but Ben paid him no mind. His entire attention was fixed on whatever was happening at the other end of the floor.

“No, ma’am, you can’t.” The receptionist, Mitaka, was practically shouting now. “You don’t have an appointment.”

“I don’t need a bloody appointment.” The clear, lilting voice was unmistakable. Heart hammering in his chest, Ben sprinted out of his office, circumventing the mass of cubicles where underlings worked non-stop to make Snoke even richer.

“I’m going to call security!”

“Do it. That still won’t stop me from seeing him.”

He could see her now, a slim figure in a daisy-patterned dress. Her damp hair straggled over her shoulders, and her eyeliner was smudged, but she looked so beautiful it was going to kill him.

“Rey,” he shouted. His voice sounded broken and hoarse, but her head snapped around, and then…

She smiled.

It was the biggest grin he’d ever seen on her gorgeous face: so big it carved dimples into her cheeks and crinkled the skin beside her eyes. “Ben,” she said, stepping towards him, totally ignoring the receptionist grabbing at her arm.

“Leave it, Mitaka,” he ordered. “She’s with me.”

Mitaka released her instantly and backed away with hands up. Ben had no attention to spare for him, or anyone else, for that matter, even though heads were popping up from cubicles all over the office to watch the drama unfold.

His feet carried him quickly over the black marble flooring of the First Order, and Rey rushed towards him equally fast. She stopped when they were five feet apart, then raised her phone over her head.

The tinny sounds of Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes” came over the speaker, and Ben started crying.

“It was for me,” he said, hardly able to believe it. “The video—it was for me.” It was like riding out an earthquake—his entire world shook and resettled around him, revealing a brand-new landscape.

Shocked murmurs rose around them at Ben’s display of emotion, but he didn’t care. Every dream he’d ever had was coming true, years of lonely hopes coalescing in front of him in the shape of a dripping-wet woman holding her phone over her head.

Rey’s eyes shone bright and glassy with unshed tears. She nodded. “I adore you, Ben Solo. I have for months. I fell for you harder with every message, even though I kept telling myself all the logical reasons not to fall in love with an internet stranger. And then there you were in that hardware store, solid and real, and it was all over for me.” She hiccuped around a sob. “I want you. I _need_ you.”

“Rey.” He stepped forward, ready to sweep her up into his arms, ready to kiss her here in front of the entire office—

“Solo.” Snoke’s booming voice came from behind him. “What the fuck is this?”

He stiffened, then turned to see Snoke and Hux approaching. Snoke looked furious; Hux looked smug. Ben widened his stance, ready to stop them from getting anywhere near Rey. “None of your business,” he said with more courage than he'd ever expected to have in the face of Snoke’s wrath.

Hux's expression turned positively gleeful. “Looks like we have an explanation for why Solo has been so distracted of late.”

“Fuck off,” Ben said, shifting back to be closer to Rey. Her hand came to rest between his shoulder blades, and he shuddered at the touch. It was the most anyone had touched him in... forever, it seemed.

“If you ever want to work in this city again, you will escort this _creature_ out of the office right now,” Snoke said. He was turning red, and the twitch in his cheek warned Ben that an explosion was imminent.

“Ben,” Rey said softly behind him. “I can leave—”

“No.” He said it loudly, firmly. For once in his life, he knew what he had to do. “She’s the most amazing person in the world, and you will treat her with respect.”

Hux scoffed. “Oh, come on, Solo, her twat can’t be that tight—”

Ben lunged forward and decked him, sending the redhead to the ground. Gasps rose around the office, and Hux moaned as he cupped his jaw.

It was the most satisfying thing Ben had ever done at this company.

“You’re fired!” Snoke was screaming now, spittle flying from his thin lips. “And I’m going to ruin you, Solo, see if I don’t—”

“I quit, anyway!” Ben shouted back. “I’m fucking sick of you and your corrupt empire and your power games. I hope this miserable place burns to the ground.”

Snoke’s eyes bulged. “Is that a threat?”

A small, delicate hand came to rest on Ben’s upper arm, and his muscles relaxed automatically. “No,” Ben said, looking down his nose at the man who had made a living hell out of his life for the last five years. “But I’m leaving, and I don’t give a fuck who you send after me or how you think you can sabotage me. Some things are more important.”

An hour ago, Ben had thought this job was all he had left. He knew better now.

He turned to face Rey. She looked up at him with wide, hopeful eyes, and it was too much to bear. His hands trembled as he rested them on her shoulders. “Rey,” he whispered, then licked his dry lips. “What do we—where do you want to go?”

She beamed at him. “It doesn’t matter where we go,” she said, “so long as I’m with you.” 

That was all he needed to hear. Ben bent to scoop her up in his arms, and his heart threatened to burst from joy as she giggled and wrapped her arms around his neck.

 _This_ was what life was about. Not the money in his bank account, not his former boss shouting threats behind him, not any of the superficial goals he’d been striving towards for the last five years. Life was an armful of damp, laughing woman. It was striding towards the elevator, leaving the painful past behind and heading towards a bright new future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope that helped ease the pain a bit! Please let me know what you think.
> 
> And thanks to everyone who told me how YouTube notifications work! I am basically Ben Solo, technology neophyte. You have all contributed to Ben's happy ending.
> 
> One more chapter to go, unless I get sappy and add an epilogue. Guess what's coming next?!


	7. Rey Tries... Not Being Alone!

He didn’t put her down until the elevator reached the ground floor, despite her wiggling and complaining that she was too heavy for him. The concept was laughable. Even sopping wet, he could have carried her for blocks. Miles, probably. An eternity, if it meant she’d keep smiling up at him like that.

“Oh, so you do understand I can walk,” she joked when he finally set her down in the lobby. She immediately grabbed his hand, and he shivered all over. He looked down at their interlaced fingers with wonder.

“I can’t believe this is happening,” he said.

“Me, neither.” She bit her lip and shifted back and forth, looking shy for the first time since she’d blown into his office like a hurricane. “I never thought being with you would be possible. Or even meeting you in person.”

“Rey, I—” He broke off as he saw a security guard frowning at them as he spoke into his walkie-talkie. “Okay, we should probably leave.” He nudged Rey towards the exit. “Snoke can’t be happy I punched Hux.”

“Good point.” Rey started speedwalking towards the door, tugging at his hand so he’d follow. “For the record,” she said over her shoulder, “I love that you punched him.”

 _God,_ she was perfect. Ben grinned as he followed her out, ignoring the shouts of the security officer behind them. His car service wasn’t here, since it wasn’t the normal time he’d be leaving the office, so they ran down the sidewalk through the rain. Rey laughed loudly, and the answering guffaw that burst out of Ben’s mouth startled him.

When was the last time he’d laughed with another person?

The rain was ruining his suit and slicking his hair to his head, revealing his satellite-dish ears to the world, but Ben didn’t care. His shoes squelched as he tore through a puddle. Rey was faring no better—her hair was sodden, her makeup was running, and her wet dress clung to her curves. Ben definitely wasn’t going to complain about that last fact.

He tugged on her hand and led her into a bodega. The cashier glared at them as they dripped all over the floor. “Let me call my car service,” Ben said, pushing the wet hair away from his face. He was beyond grateful his keys, phone, and wallet had been in his pockets at the time of his abrupt departure from the First Order.

Rey made a face. “Of course you have a car service.”

He raised his eyebrows. “You prefer the subway?”

“Admittedly, no.” She nudged his shoulder. “So where are you taking me, huh?”

It was a good question. Because Ben’s first impulse had been to take her to his apartment, but that was presumptuous, and he didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable. “Uh…”

“How about your place?” Rey suggested. “We can get dry and have a chat.”

His heart skipped a beat. “O-okay.”

Rey seemed content to hold his hand and drip next to him while he called the car service. It was surreal. He’d spent months pining for her; how was it possible she had feelings for him, too?

He squeezed her hand tighter. “So,” he said, knowing he needed to clear one thing up for his own sanity. “You aren’t dating Poe?”

She rolled her eyes. “No. Absolutely not. I was so confused when you mentioned him.”

“He looked flirty in the birthday video,” Ben said, unable to fully suppress his jealousy. “And I’ve known him for years, and he always gets the most beautiful women…”

She cracked a laugh. “Ben, you are sweet and also absurd. First of all, he has never expressed any interest in me romantically. That’s just how he acts with everyone.”

“It’s inappropriate, and—”

“Second of all,” she continued, talking over him, “he’s dating my friend Finn.”

“Oh.” Ben’s forehead wrinkled. Finn was… “ _Oh._ ”

Rey smirked up at him. “Yeah. Turns out not everyone is straight, and not everyone is as wildly infatuated with me as you are.”

His cheeks burned. “Sorry,” he said. “I just…” He trailed off, unable to justify his actions.

She raised her eyebrows. “You just what?”

“I just really like you,” Ben muttered. “Beyond what’s reasonable.” He felt a bizarre spark of outrage on Rey’s behalf. “And besides, if Poe is bi, why wouldn’t he fall in love with you? You’re basically perfect—”

Rey giggled, then tugged her hand out of his so she could cup his face with both palms. “You,” she declared, “are adorable.”

Then she stood up on her toes and kissed him.

Ben froze for a moment, unable to process what was happening. Rey’s lips were pressed against his, and it was soft and sweet and _perfect_ … and then she opened her mouth to gently stroke at his lower lip, and Ben was lost.

His arms snapped around her, and he tugged her close as he kissed her back with all the furious longing that had been tormenting him for months. He ate at her greedily, seizing everything she gave, kissing and sucking and nipping, sliding his tongue into her mouth…

“Oy!” the cashier shouted. “You’re blocking the door.”

They broke apart, and Rey giggled. “Sorry,” she called back. “We’ll try to behave.”

Ben made a noise of protest, but Rey just beamed at him and tugged him between two dusty shelves. “We have time,” she whispered. “And honestly, I’ve tried lots of things, but I’m not eager to try getting a citation for public indecency.”

That quickly, he was hard. Granted, he’d been on his way to fully erect the moment Rey’s lips brushed his, but the knowledge that she was contemplating _public indecency_ was too much for him. His pulse pounded. “You would… that is… I don’t want to assume…” Shit, shit, shit, he was making a mess of this. “It’s just,” he rushed to say, “that I’ve been fantasizing about you for months, but you barely know me, and I want to make you comfortable, and I’m not going to push you to do anything you don’t want to do even if we are at my apartment, and—”

Rey silenced him by pressing a finger to his mouth. “It’s okay,” she soothed. “I know you aren’t expecting anything. And I’m not expecting anything, either, but… if you want to…” She shifted from foot to foot, gaze flicking from his eyes to his mouth to his chest. “I wouldn’t mind doing more. In fact… I’d really like to.”

He gaped at her. Jesus Christ. A real, live angel was standing here in front of him, smiling up at him and telling him she wanted to do _more_ with him.

Had he hit his head? Was this a coma-induced dream?

“Uhhh,” he said, less than eloquently.

A familiar horn sounded outside, and Ben snapped back to awareness. “Right,” he said. “That’s the car.”

His hand trembled as he brought it to the small of Rey’s back. Surely she would push him off, tell him he was being too touchy-feely… but no, she seemed to like having him guide her to the curb. She even leaned into him, briefly brushing her cheek against his wet suit coat.

Ben was in heaven.

The ride seemed to take forever and no time at all. Rey spent it in a state of babbling excitement: she bounced on the leather seats, oohed over the snacks in the console, and stared avidly at the pedestrians they passed. “I feel like a goddess,” she said partway through the drive. “Riding in my chariot and watching the mere mortals who have to use the _subway_ while I’m lounging on heated seats.” She glanced over at him. “Do you ever feel like that?”

He shook his head, too enraptured by the pink curve of her lips and the sweet lilt of her voice to respond.

She grinned and tucked a stray lock of hair behind her ear. “You’re staring,” she said in a stage whisper.

Ben snapped out of it. “Sorry.” His cheeks burned. “I’m just… you’re here. It’s really happening.”

“I’m here,” she confirmed, “Probably ruining your leather seats.” She shifted, and his attention dipped to where her daisy-patterned dress was plastered to her thighs. “Do you suppose I can shower when we get to your place?”

Ben nearly choked on his own spit. He cleared his throat. “Yes. Yes, you can.”

He spent the rest of the drive trying valiantly not to imagine her naked under the hot spray… and failing, of course.

The doorman’s eyes widened comically when Ben showed up with a gorgeous young woman, but to his credit, he acted like this was nothing out of the ordinary, treating Rey with the utmost courtesy as he called the elevator for them.

“You don’t push your own elevator buttons?” Rey asked once they were on the way up to the penthouse. “And I can’t believe this is your address. Do you actually have a view of the park?”

He felt both pleased and embarrassed by her obvious shock at how he lived. “I push my own buttons sometimes,” he protested. “And as to the view… you’ll just have to see, won’t you?”

She stuck her tongue out at him. “Tease.”

Was this flirting? He felt so light he could float. “Your tease,” he said in a low voice, daring to brush her fingers with his again.

And oh, the way her face transformed. Her cheeks pinkened, her pupils dilated, and her lips parted on a sharp inhale…

Right when he was debating whether or not he should pin her against the elevator wall and kiss her, the doors opened into the penthouse. Rey’s eyes widened, and then she made a delighted squeak and practically ran into his space. Ben followed at a slower pace, hands stuffed in his pockets and a goofy smile dancing over his lips as he watched her explore.

She was tactile in her appreciation—trailing her fingers over shelves, sniffing the flowers his maid brought every week, even rubbing her cheek against the soft throw blanket on the back of the couch. She gasped when she saw the view from his living room, then pressed herself against the window as she stared down at Central Park. She was getting fingerprints all over the glass, but Ben couldn’t have cared less. Her delight delighted _him_ , and he realized it was the first time he’d ever truly been delighted about his apartment. Before, it had been a status signifier, a way to justify a job he hated. How could working for Snoke be bad when it afforded him real estate like this?

He joined her at the window, truly looking at Central Park for the first time in ages. The rolling expanse of green was crowded today, despite the rain—people bustled around beneath brightly-colored umbrellas while a few tourists valiantly tried to row around the lake. He was pretty sure that white blob below was a unicyclist dressed like a unicorn, and normally his lip would have curled at such a ludicrous ploy to wring money out of tourists, but with Rey grinning like a loon, the scene suddenly struck him as magical.

“I can’t believe this,” she said. “You seriously get to look at this every day?”

He ran a hand through his hair. “Well… I don’t look most days, to be honest.”

“What? Why not?”

How did he explain this, when he was only just beginning to understand the toll the last five years had taken on him? “I guess I kind of… forgot to care about it. Like a lot of things.”

She looked sad as she turned to face him. “I’m sorry, Ben. I’ll admit, I didn’t always understand how someone could be that rich and that unhappy, but seeing those people you work for today…” She shook her head. “I can’t imagine working there for five years.”

He grimaced. “I don’t want to talk about Snoke. Not when you’re here.”

Rey rested a hand on his arm, the gesture a little hesitant. “I get that, but… we should talk a little, right? About us. About… all of this.” She gestured between them with her free hand.

He didn’t know what “all of this” meant, and the only thing he wanted to do was kiss Rey senseless and forget all about the last five years of his life, but she was right. So much had passed between them, a lot of it complicated, and they hadn’t even talked about what came next, and... oh God, what if she didn’t want _anything_ to come next? What if she’d kissed him out of gratitude for the money, or something else—

“I can see you panicking,” she said. Her fingers tightened on his bicep. “It’s not bad to talk. I just… can we? Please?”

His shoulders slumped. He couldn’t deny her—not his angel, his sweet girl, his sunshine. “All right. Let’s talk.” Then she shivered, and he realized she was still soaked through. “After you shower,” he amended. “I want you to be comfortable.”

She smiled up at him, and there was so much affection in her gaze that it took his breath away. He drank it in like water for his parched soul. “Thank you, Ben. Do you have clothes I can change into?”

“They’ll be huge on you,” he said, “but yeah. Let me get them.”

He spent a long time deliberating over which of his black T-shirts was the softest, then grabbed it and a pair of flannel pajama bottoms and left them on the bathroom counter. He set out a guest towel and toiletries, too. He’d never had a guest here before, but his mother had instilled proper host etiquette in him… and damn it, he didn’t want to think about his mother right now, either.

“I’ll shower after you,” he said when he returned to the living room. “Shout if you need anything.”

“Thanks.” She stood on her tiptoes and kissed his cheek. “I’ll be out soon.”

Ben spent the ten minutes while Rey was showering frantically tearing around his apartment and making sure it was tidy. The maid kept things neat, but Ben hadn’t been the best version of himself yesterday—not that there was a best version of himself, at least not one he recognized. There was a heap of laundry outside the hamper, and his bedroom stank of sweat and booze. He aired it out, changed the sheets, and lit a few scented candles, praying it would be enough.

Not that Rey would necessarily see his bedroom, but she had said that thing about wanting _more_ , so it didn’t hurt to be prepared, right?

“All done!”

Ben jumped at the cheery voice, then turned and was faced with the most charming sight he’d ever seen. Rey was standing in his doorway, his huge black T-shirt knotted at her waist and sliding down one shoulder, his flannel bottoms rolled up a comical number of times. She was practically swimming in his clothes, and he never wanted her to take them off.

Well, that wasn’t strictly true.

“Uh, sorry,” he said, gesturing feebly at the room. “I wanted to tidy a bit. _Not,_ ” he hurried to clarify, “that I expect you to be in here. Just… yeah.”

She did that bit-lip smile again, like she was suppressing a laugh, and her dimples popped out. “You have a very nice bedroom,” she said. “And to ease your mind, let me assure you that I _will_ be in here. In fact,” she said, strolling towards the bed, “I’m going to wait right here while you shower.” She hopped onto the bed and scooted back until she was sitting against the headboard.

Ben gaped at her. “Oh,” he said after a few seconds of silence. “That’s… good. I’m glad.”

“Go shower, Ben,” she said gently.

Ben practically ran into the bathroom, then took simultaneously the fastest and most thorough shower of his life. He doused himself in body wash and scrubbed every crevice until he was so clean, she could probably eat off of him… and no, that wasn’t a helpful metaphor to imagine right now, but it was too late. Ben’s dick was rising to the occasion, and he groaned as he gripped it, willing it to go down. He refused to jerk off to thoughts of Rey when she was _right there_ in his bedroom.

Thankfully, a blast of icy water helped the situation. He toweled off and pulled on a T-shirt and pajama bottoms that matched Rey’s, then took a deep breath and headed back into the bedroom.

True to her word, she was still sitting on the bed, but he had a feeling she’d been poking around while he showered. She was too inquisitive not to.

She patted the bed beside her. “Come here.”

He settled in beside her, resting his shoulders against the headboard, but it was hard to relax with her so close. When she rested a palm on his thigh, he jumped.

“What is it?” she asked softly. “Are you okay?”

“Yes, of course. It’s just… you’ve touched me more in the last twenty minutes than anyone has in years. It’s good, but also unexpected, if that makes sense.”

“Oh, Ben.”

She looked upset again, and he couldn’t have that. “Please don’t be sad. It’s… you don’t have to touch me. It’s not an obligation or anything—”

He broke off when Rey clambered over him and settled in his lap, knees resting on either side of his hips and arms laced around his neck. “I like touching you,” she said. “And now, knowing you haven’t had anyone to do this… I’m going to touch you as much as I can.”

She felt so good it almost hurt—the soft press of her inner thighs against his legs, the stroke of her fingers through his wet hair… and then, the brush of her core over his growing erection. “Shit, I’m sorry,” he said, hands falling to her waist to move her off of him.

She tightened her legs around him and didn’t budge. “Don’t be sorry. I like it.” She bit her lip. “And I’m hoping to touch a lot more of you soon. If that’s okay?”

“Definitely okay,” he choked out. He felt like he was dying in the best possible way. She was looking at him and smiling, and Ben couldn’t for the life of him remember what they were supposed to be discussing. “Um, I know we’re supposed to talk, but my brain completely shorted out.”

She tipped her head back and laughed. “I’m a little distracted, too,” she confessed. “Being with you just feels so good. But yes, we should talk.”

 _Feels so good_ was now playing on a loop in his brain. “Talk about what?” He was impressed with himself for managing a semblance of coherence in the face of impossible odds.

“What you feel. What I feel. What we want.” She took a deep breath. “I’ll go first. I had a crush on you almost from the start, but I tried not to think about it too much. I didn’t think being with you would be possible, you know? But the more we talked about our lives, the more I fell for you.”

He was smiling now, and he couldn’t stop. His cheeks hurt with how wide he was grinning.

“You take such good care of me,” Rey continued, stroking his hair, then tracing the shell of his ear with a fingertip. “You make sure I’m eating well, that I’m sleeping enough, that I’m happy and enjoying life. No one’s ever done that for me before.”

“You deserve that,” Ben said. “You deserve everything.”

She leaned in and kissed him hard and fast, then pulled back. Ben tried to follow her lips, but she pressed him against the headboard with a hand at his chest. “Let me finish,” she said mock-sternly. “And then you get to talk.”

He was pretty sure everything he needed to say could be expressed nonverbally, but whatever Rey wanted, she got. “Fine,” he huffed, sitting back.

Her smile softened. “You’re a good man, Ben. A kind one. I know there’s a whole troubled past with your parents—” He stiffened, and she made a soothing sound. “We’re not going to talk about that right now. Not until you’re ready. The point is, whatever happened with them doesn’t have anything to do with us. I know you, Ben Solo, and I want to know you even better. Nothing that happened with Han or Leia can change my mind.”

His eyes blurred with tears. “Thank you,” he whispered.

She caressed his cheek. “So here’s what I want. I want to date you, but for that to happen, you have to stop paying me for the YouTube channel. Nothing between us should be a transaction. And I know that’s not how you see it,” she said when he made a sound of protest, “but that’s what I want.”

He was thrilled to hear she wanted to date him, but he was struggling with the concept of not giving her money. She worked too hard, and she had student loans, and he had all this money he didn’t need—

“This isn’t up for debate,” Rey said. “I can see you worrying. Please believe I’m doing just fine. And you can still pay for dinner and things, if you really want—but you have to be there, too.” Her dimples deepened. “As my boyfriend.”

Her _boyfriend_. God, that word was so foreign, almost childish in its simplicity, but he wanted that label more than he’d ever wanted anything. He didn’t know how to be a boyfriend, though. What if he messed it up?

He felt like a man standing at the edge of a precipice without a parachute, wondering what it would feel like to fling himself off.

Except he’d already jumped, hadn’t he? He’d flung himself headlong into this strange relationship, and he fell further every day, and he didn’t think he’d ever find the bottom of his love for her.

“Okay,” he said.

She sat up straighter in his lap. “Okay? You’ll be my boyfriend?” When he nodded, she screeched and wrapped her arms around him, burying her face in his shoulder.

He held her tight, rocking her back and forth. He was crying again—he did that a lot around her—but these were tears of happiness. His heart felt so full it might burst.

Rey wanted to be with him. An impossible dream had somehow, magically, come true.

She eventually disentangled herself and sat back upright. “Okay, so I told you what I feel and what I want. Your turn.”

He gaped at her. “Are you kidding me? I’m stupidly, hopelessly in love with you. I want to be with you. What else is there to say?” Her jaw dropped, and he realized what he’d said. “Wait, shit, that’s probably way too intense, sorry—”

She kissed him.

Ben’s head spun as her lips caressed his. She tasted like toothpaste, sharp and minty, and under the aroma of his shower gel was a warm, sweet note he now recognized as the scent of her bare skin. He kissed her back gently at first, then grew bolder when she opened her mouth and stroked her tongue over his.

Soon they were kissing deeply, hungrily, tongues sliding together as their lips parted and merged in a fever of want. Ben drew her lower lip between his teeth, and her answering moan shot straight to his cock.

“I want you,” he gasped when he drew back for air. “All of you.”

“I want that, too.” Rey nipped his lip, then licked the abused spot. “And I love you. And—” She laughed when he swooped in for a fierce kiss. “And I haven’t—Ben! Let me finish.”

He couldn’t help it. He couldn’t stop tasting her. He wanted to kiss her over and over again, everywhere he could. She loved him. She _loved_ him.

No one had ever loved him, not like that.

She giggled and pushed him away. “Ben! I’m trying to say something.”

His voice came out in a guttural growl. “You have three seconds.”

She squirmed in his lap. “Wow, that’s really hot. I—Ben!”

“Time’s up,” he said, grabbing her waist and rolling to reverse their positions. Soon she was splayed out beneath him, her legs wrapped around his hips and her hair spread over his pillow as she laughed up at him between kisses.

“You are impossible,” she said, then gasped as he trailed his lips over her neck.

“You’re mine now,” he said. “That means you have to put up with me.” His heart was racing so fast he might pass out. No one had ever been _his_ before, and now this perfect angel was in his arms, in his _bed._ He rocked his hips, pressing his erection against her.

“God, that’s good.” Rey groaned as he sucked at her pulse point. “But Ben, I really need to tell you something. I-I haven’t done this before.”

He stilled immediately and pulled back to look at her. “This? You mean…”

“Sex.”

Oh, God. She was a _virgin,_ and he was acting like an animal. Ben tried to roll off her, but Rey tightened her legs around him. “I want to,” she said, looking up at him earnestly. “I really, really do. Right now. With you. I just thought you should know.”

Ben closed his eyes and buried his face in her damp hair. He breathed in, smelling his conditioner. She was so _good_ , so perfect, and his head was a jumble of emotions. Doubt that she really wanted him to be her first. Vicious delight that no one had touched her before. Terror that he’d hurt her.

Guilt that she wouldn’t be _his_ first.

She tugged at his hair. “Look at me, Ben. You’re starting to freak me out.”

“Sorry.” He propped himself up on his elbows to look down at her. She was gorgeous, with her golden freckles, kiss-swollen lips, and wide hazel eyes. Sunshine and sweetness. “I just… I don’t want to hurt you. And I’m honored, and also baffled you’d pick me—”

“Oh, hush.” She smiled up at him. “You’re exactly who I want.”

“There’s another thing.” He nibbled his lip, wondering if she would hate him for this. He certainly hated himself for it. “I have done this before,” he said all in a rush. “Only a few times, and it was a long time ago, and it didn’t mean much, but I’m really sorry.”

When he’d joined the First Order, he’d been so full of anger and hurt from falling out with his parents that he’d thrown himself aggressively into his new lifestyle. He’d tried all the supposed “perks” of a position as one of Snoke’s financial geniuses: top-shelf booze, cocaine, women… Fucking someone who only cared about his wallet had made him nauseous, but he’d tried a few more times before giving up on sex entirely. At the time, he’d felt like he’d given away something special, although he hadn’t understood why.

Now he did.

Rey’s forehead creased. “Why are you sorry?”

“Because if I’d known…” He closed his eyes and swallowed hard. “I would have waited for you. I wish I had.”

“Oh, Ben.” She cupped his cheek in a soft palm, and since she didn’t sound upset, he opened his eyes again and found her looking at him with that mix of affection and compassion that was so characteristic of her. “I didn’t expect you to be a virgin,” she said. “You’re almost thirty years old. And just because you’ve been with other people doesn’t make what we’re about to do any less special.”

“I want it to be perfect for you,” he whispered. “You deserve that.”

“It is perfect… because it’s with you.” She traced a fingertip over his nose. “And even if this isn’t your first time ever, it’s your first time with me, and isn’t that kind of the same thing? We’re learning about each other’s bodies together.”

“Yeah, I guess.” He exhaled and felt a weight lift off his chest. “Thank you.”

“No, thank you. For being honest.” She grinned. “And for hopefully giving me the best first time any woman’s ever had.”

It was a challenge he would gladly rise to. Ben dipped down to kiss her again, and any doubts melted away under the bliss of her lips against his. She clutched him tightly, rocking against his erection, and the movement made Ben even hungrier. He kissed her so hard he briefly worried she’d bruise, but she took everything he gave and returned it with interest. Her teeth sank into his lower lip, and then her tongue plunged into his mouth, lapping at him, unraveling him one lick at a time.

He gasped and pulled away. “Take this off,” he said, tugging at the knotted hem of her shirt.

Her eyes sparkled up at him. “Make me,” she said with a wicked smirk.

Oh, that was how she wanted to play? Ben was happy to oblige. He hauled her up into a seated position, then stripped her shirt off efficiently and flung it across the room. Rey gasped and shivered, and Ben paused for a moment to take in the sight of her bare breasts. They were perfect little mouthfuls, with freckled tops and tight pink nipples. “Gorgeous,” he said, resting a hand over her left breast so he could feel her racing heart. His hand spanned practically half the width of her torso, his fingers grazing her collarbone, and he marveled at the size difference between them. “You’re so delicate,” he said, trailing his fingers down to circle her nipple. “So small.”

She shivered. “You’re just absurdly large.”

His lips quirked and he leaned in to whisper in her ear. “Not too large, I hope.”

She shoved his shoulder gently and rolled her eyes. “Don’t get a big head, now.”

“That’s not what’s big, sweetheart.”

As Rey cackled, Ben couldn’t believe he’d just made such a raunchy joke. He was flirting with a woman… with his _girlfriend_. He felt like either pounding his chest in triumph or fainting dead away, some combination of powerful warlord and nervous teenager.

He laid Rey back down, then gripped the rolled up waistband of her pajama bottoms. “Okay?” he asked. He was so riled up he could have ripped them off her, but he would go as slow as she needed.

She nodded. “But only if you get naked, too.”

That was an easy concession to make. Ben stood and stripped off his T-shirt and bottoms, well-aware that he hadn’t put underwear back on after his shower. He stood beside the bed for a moment, hands clenched awkwardly at his sides while Rey stared at his naked body with wide eyes. He felt uncomfortably exposed—he’d never been fully naked with a partner, he realized—but Rey was a virgin, and she should know what she was getting into.

“Oh,” she said, eyes falling on his erect cock. She licked her lips. “That’s big.”

The pride that filled him was tinged with worry. “Is that bad?” he asked. “Because we can stop right now—”

“No.” Her response was vehement. Her eyes flicked back up to his face. “I won’t lie, it’s a little intimidating, but I don’t want to stop.”

“All right.” He crawled back onto the bed, sucking one of her nipples before moving to pull down her pajama bottoms. “It’ll be okay,” he said as he slid them down her thighs. “You just need to be prepared properly.”

He groaned once he’d stripped her bare. She was a living fantasy: long, lean, and sleekly curved. He knelt between her legs and smoothed his hands up her inner thighs, spreading her further. The breath left him on a shuddering exhale. “Gorgeous,” he said.

She covered her face with her hands. “You think so?”

“I know so.” He took her in for a little longer: the patch of dark curls, the plump outer labia, the pink gleam of more delicate parts within. Then he reached up and took her hands away from her eyes. “No hiding,” he said softly.

She squirmed. “No one’s ever seen me down there. Is it… is it okay?”

“Rey. Sweetheart. You’re perfect.”

Her cheeks grew even rosier. “I like that,” she said softly. “You calling me sweetheart.” She bit her lip and smiled. “And calling me perfect. Everything you say, actually.”

“It’s the truth,” he said, moving his hands up until his fingers wrapped around her hips and his thumbs rested just shy of her pussy. “I deserve no credit for pointing it out.”

“Mmm, you smooth talker.” She shifted her hips restlessly. “Please touch me, Ben.”

He started slow and soft, parting her folds with one thumb, exploring the moisture there before rising to circle her clit. She sighed and rocked against him. “Harder,” she said.

“Yeah? That’s what you like?” When Rey nodded, Ben increased the pressure against her clit, and she moaned.

He loved this: kneeling above her, watching her shiver and squirm under his hands. A blush raced across her upper chest, and her breasts quivered as she rocked into his touch. So responsive, and he was only touching her with one thumb.

He wanted to get closer, _needed_ to, so he shifted down the bed to settle his head between her thighs. He looped her legs over his shoulders, then leaned in and replaced his thumb with his tongue.

“Oh!” Rey jerked against him. “Yes. _Fuck._ ”

Ben devoured her, lips and tongue working over her slick skin. She tasted sweet and tart and perfect, and the noises she made were filthy hot. He ground his hips into the bed, needing pressure against his aching cock. How was he going to survive this?

He slid one finger inside her, marveling at the hot, wet clench of her around him. “Fuck, you’re tight,” he said between licks. He would need to go slow, stretch her out one finger at a time, if there was any hope of fitting his cock in here.

He nearly lost it at the thought of her tight pussy squeezing his dick, so he forced himself to stop humping the bed and focused instead on setting a rhythm. One firm lick, then a circle of his tongue around her clit, then two licks, another circle… He accompanied every flick of his tongue with a gentle thrust of his finger, and soon Rey was groaning and begging for more.

“Please, Ben. I can take it.”

He added a second finger, and Rey gasped. “You’re doing so good,” he praised as he crooked his fingers, searching for the spongy spot on her inner wall that would hopefully drive her insane. When she jerked and cried out his name, he knew he’d found it. He focused his attention there, stroking hard, then harder, until he was practically pummeling it with his fingers while he licked and licked at her swollen little clit. 

Rey was falling apart above him, gasping and crying out, praising him and begging for more. Her hands flew to his head, and she gripped his hair, tugging him tighter against her. “Oh, please. More. God, fuck, holy fucking shit, Ben, _Ben—_ ”

She screamed, and her pussy fluttered around his fingers in rhythmic pulses. She was practically ripping his hair out, but he _loved_ it, just like he loved everything about this, just like he loved her _—_

He only let up when she gently pushed on his forehead. He slipped his fingers out of her and knelt back upright, wiping his mouth on his forearm. “Doing all right there?” he asked, biting back a smile. She looked absolutely wrecked: cheeks flushed, hair tangled, eyes glassy.

“Holy shit,” she said faintly. “Wow.”

This was the proudest moment of Ben’s life. He couldn’t hold back the grin any longer. He beamed down at her, absolutely thrilled. He, Ben Solo, had just made the woman he loved come so hard she screamed.

She giggled. “You look so fucking smug.”

“I _am_ smug,” he said, settling onto his side next to her. “That’s what happens when a beautiful woman falls apart while screaming your name.”

She shifted onto her side to face him, then stroked down his chest to his abdomen, tracing the muscles there. “I have an idea for how to thank you,” she said in a sultry voice that nearly undid him. She started shifting down the bed, her destination obvious, but although the thought of Rey’s lips wrapped around his cock was nearly orgasm-inducing, Ben stopped her with a hand on her arm. “Next time,” he said.

She pouted. “Why? I want to.”

He groaned. “So do I, but this is your first time. It’ll be easier right now, since you just came and you’re relaxed… I mean, assuming you still want to,” he rushed to clarify. “You don’t have to, obviously. We can stop whenever.”

Rey giggled, then leaned in and kissed him. “You’re sweet,” she whispered when she drew back. “And yes, I want to. Very badly.”

His heart was pounding. He was about to have sex with his girlfriend, with _Rey,_ and he was so fucking excited and nervous. “Okay,” he said, barely restraining himself from making some thrilled shrieking sound. “Um, we can do it a few different ways. I can be on top, or it might be easier if you’re on top, so you can control it…”

Rey scrambled onto her knees. “I want to be on top,” she declared. “I haven’t properly told you this yet, but you’re body is a fucking masterpiece, and I want to look at it while I ride you.”

Ben made an incoherent sound. If it was possible for him to get harder, hearing Rey talk about riding him would have done it. “Shit,” he said. “You’re going to kill me.”

She prodded his shoulder until he rolled onto his back. “Good,” she said, cheeks dimpling with a mischievous smile. “Since I’m pretty sure you just killed me.”

When she straddled him, Ben groaned. “We should get—I have condoms.” Very, very old condoms... shit, what if they were expired?

Rey shook her head. “I’m on the Pill for my periods,” she said. She rubbed her wet pussy over his cock, and Ben’s eyes nearly rolled back in his head. “Are you clean?”

“Yes,” Ben gasped. His hands flew to her hips as she rocked against him again. She was absolutely going to kill him. This was important, though, so he mustered up his last two functioning brain cells to confirm this was what she wanted to do. “Baby, sweetheart, are you sure?”

Rey leaned down and kissed him softly. “More sure than I’ve ever been about anything in my life.”

He groaned as she wrapped her hand around his dick. He was so hard it _hurt._ He gripped the base of his cock, helping guide it to her opening. “Go as slow as you need,” he choked out when the tip notched just inside her.

Rey hummed, then bore down, sinking slowly onto him. She was so tight it was unreal, her little body squeezing him hard as she took one inch, then another. He gripped her hips, fingers digging indentations into her skin as he resisted the urge to thrust up into her. Sweat beaded on his forehead, and _fuck,_ this already felt so good.

Rey huffed. “Jesus, you’re big.”

She had only taken a few inches, and Ben felt a sudden stab of fear. What if he was too big for her? What if their bodies didn’t fit? She was so small, after all, so delicate and sweet, and he was a big, hulking brute—

Rey pushed down another inch and winced.

“Are you okay?” Ben asked, horrified at the thought that he was hurting her. “We can stop right now. Let me go down on you again.”

She laughed breathlessly. “Ben, stop, it’s okay. I want this.”

“But you’re hurting.”

She shook her head. “It’s not bad. I think I just need a little help.” When he didn’t move, just stared up at her wide-eyed and petrified, she settled her hands over his where they squeezed her hips. “Ben,” she said firmly. “Help me out here.”

He swallowed hard. “Okay.” He exerted gentle pressure, tilting his hips up at the same time, and she took him in slowly, a long, wet glide that felt insanely good. “Oh, God,” he choked out as she sank down all the way, taking him to the root. “Oh my God, you feel so good.” She was tight and hot and so _wet,_ and he’d never known anything could feel this amazing.

She was breathing hard, tan skin gleaming with sweat, but she grinned at him in response. “You do, too. I feel so full.” She shifted her hips as if testing the fit, and Ben swore and gripped her hips harder. She was going to end up with fingertip-shaped bruises all over her, and a primal part of him thrilled at the idea of marking her like that. She was _his,_ and the proof was going to be all over her skin.

Rey lifted off him, then sank down again, and they moaned in unison. “Ohhhh,” Rey said as she repeated the motion. “Oh, fuck.”

“It doesn’t hurt?” he asked.

She shook her head. “No. It’s more like stretching a muscle I didn’t even know I had. But it feels… it feels amazing.”

“Good.” Ben licked his thumb, then reached down to rub her clit. Pressure was already building in his cock, and he knew he was going to come sooner, rather than later. “Ride me, sweetheart.”

Rey did, setting a slow, sensual rhythm, and Ben rocked his hips to match her. She rose above him like a goddess, her breasts bobbing and the muscles in her abdomen flexing as she took him over and over again. He stared down at where they connected and groaned at the sight of his cock disappearing inside her, then reemerging slick with her arousal. She was stretched so tightly around him, and he marveled that such a tiny woman was able to hold all of him inside her.

Rey was like that in every way, though. Larger than life, capable of astounding feats. A force of nature contained in one compact, adorable package.

She planted her palms on his chest and sped up. She’d gotten even wetter, and the glide was smoother now. Ben kept up his assault on her clit, and Rey groaned and tipped her head back. “God,” she said, fingers digging into his pecs. “This is so good. I want to do this every fucking day.”

“Yes, please,” he gasped.

“ _You’re_ so good,” she said. “The best man, the best lover, the best person—oh, _shit._ ” He’d bucked up hard at the praise, unable to restrain himself. “Do that again,” she ordered.

Ben did, thrusting up into her hard. She whimpered with each stroke, and those sweet little noises mixed with the wet sound of their coupling to make a filthy, beautiful symphony. Between moans, she kept telling him how good he was, how amazing, that he was her favorite person.

Ben couldn’t believe it. No one had ever said things like that to him before; he’d never imagined a world in which anyone would. “I love you,” he told her, tears beading in his eyes. “You’re the best thing ever to happen to me.”

Rey’s hips stuttered, and she gasped. “I’m—I’m close.”

So was he, but Ben was determined to make her come first. He thumbed her clit harder, and Rey shuddered. “Just like that, yes—”

The pressure in his dick was nearly unbearable, but he gritted his teeth and somehow managed to avoid coming through sheer force of will. One more hard thrust, and Rey finally fell apart. Her nails bit into his chest, and she cried out as her inner muscles clenched around him.

“Thank Christ,” he gasped, then wrapped his arms around her and tugged her down until her chest was pressed to his. He held her like that while he thrust up into her like a madman, finally unleashing the full force of his passion. She quivered and sobbed in his arms, desperate little cries that matched his own groans of need.

The pressure released all at once, a surge of pleasure so powerful, his feet cramped and his vision went blurry. He shouted, squeezing her hard as his hips jerked and his cock twitched inside her.

He’d never orgasmed that hard in his life. The tension drained out of him, and his arms flopped to his sides. “Holy shit,” he said, staring dazedly at the ceiling.

Rey kissed his chest. “Holy shit is right.” When he looked down, she was grinning up at him. Her chin dug into his chest, a sweet pain he didn’t mind at all. She seemed content to just lie there, which was good, since Ben didn’t think he could move even if she asked.

“Was it…” He cleared his throat. “It was good for you?”

She laughed. “What, the screaming orgasm didn’t give it away? It was more than good.” She kissed his pectoral again. “It was incredible. Thank you.”

She was thanking _him?_ This goddess had just gifted him with her virginity and her unrestrained passion. “Thank _you,_ ” he said earnestly. “Seriously, Rey. That was… you gave me such a gift.”

She rested her cheek on his chest and sighed. “The feeling’s mutual,” she mumbled. Then she giggled.

“What is it?” he asked, stroking her hair. Exhaustion was creeping over him, and his eyes fluttered shut.

“I was just thinking I should make a video. ‘Rey Tries… Sex!’”

He groaned. “Please don’t.”

She laughed again. “I won’t. But seriously, this is the best thing I’ve tried yet.”

“Good.” And Ben’s lips curved up as he fell asleep, truly at peace for the first time in his life.

#

Ben woke up alone and disoriented. The room was dim, the sun having set while he’d been asleep. He heard Rey muttering in the other room and got up to investigate, stretching before padding naked and barefoot out of the bedroom.

She was sitting on his couch, wearing one of his shirts. His laptop was open in front of her, casting a pale blue glow on her face.

“I promised an update,” she said. “It’ll be a short one, though, since I have something I need to get back to.” She winked at the camera. “It worked, is the sum of it. The grand gesture worked! He even swept me off my feet and carried me home like a prince in a fairy tale.” She sighed dreamily. “And now I have a boyfriend. A very tall, very handsome boyfriend with the prettiest hair, and I just… I just love him a whole lot.” She bit her lip and grinned, and Ben’s chest ached at the sight. It was a pleasant pain, like his heart had grown too large for his ribcage.

“I could have titled the video that, I guess,” she said. “‘Rey Tries... Having a Boyfriend!’ or ‘Rey Tries… Being in Love!’ But it feels more profound than that.” Her smile grew soft, the way it did when she was reminiscing about something. Half longing, half joy. “I’ve felt alone for most of my life, and so has he, and I know a lot of you have, too. So I’m here today to tell you that it gets better. There are people out there who will see you and love you just as you are. So today… I’m trying not being alone.”

Ben couldn’t take it anymore. He strode forward, not even caring that he was about three seconds away from flashing his dick to whoever was watching this livestream. He needed Rey in his arms right that very second.

She looked up, and her eyes widened. “Oh my God, he’s here, and he’s naked, and—shit, too much detail, sorry—” She cackled and shifted the laptop away from him. “Looks like I have to sign off now,” she said quickly, waving at the camera. “Bye for now, post again soon—”

She broke off with a squeak when Ben slapped her laptop shut, then grabbed it out of her hands and tossed it onto the couch. He picked her up, flinging her over his shoulder in a fireman’s carry while she laughed and squirmed.

“Where are you taking me?” she asked.

“Back to bed,” he said, striding towards the bedroom. “Because you never have to be alone again, and I’m going to prove it to you in every way possible.”

And he did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked this! As predicted, I'm adding an epilogue, so this story isn't quite over yet.
> 
> If you enjoyed it, please let me know! I'm not great at responding to comments, but I read them all, and they make me smile. ❤️


	8. Rey Tries... Baking an Anniversary Cake!

_One year later_

“How’s the frosting looking?”

Ben stared down at the bowl of runny brown goop. “Wrong.”

Rey cackled, then came over and brushed a flour-dusted fingertip over his nose. She was holding her phone at head-height, and she made a face into it before turning it around to face Ben and his bowl of runny frosting. “Let’s see what my big, adorable boyfriend has managed to do to this frosting.”

It was the fifth YouTube video Ben had appeared in, but it still made him a little uncomfortable. Thinking of all those people looking at him, maybe judging his big ears or his long face or how he did things…

It was stupid, he knew. For whatever reason, Rey’s fanbase seemed to adore him as much as they adored her, and any negative comments were immediately piled on by dozens of staunch defenders. And at Rey’s insistence, Ben had finally stopped reading the comments, but those niggling insecurities had never quite gone away.

They were better, though. Everything was better after a year of Rey.

She made a face. “That looks… wet.” She stirred the frosting, then lifted a spoon, showing the camera how the frosting dripped. “Did you put enough sugar in?”

“Well… no.” Ben rubbed the back of his neck as his cheeks heated. “It seemed like a suspicious amount of sugar, so I modified the recipe.”

Rey laughed, then flipped the camera around to face her again as she stood up on her toes and gave him a huge, smacking kiss on the cheek. “Darling, I love you, but it’s our anniversary, and that means I am going to absolutely stuff myself with sugar.”

His heart squeezed a little at those three sweet words: _I love you._ No matter how many times she said them, he never quite got used to it. “Are you telling me you’re only dating me as an excuse to eat extra dessert?” he teased.

“You bet.” She giggled as she turned and headed back to where she was making the cake batter. “Sugar thickens the frosting,” she called over her shoulder, “in addition to being delicious. Tasty _and_ practical.”

“Fine.” Ben eyed the sugar suspiciously. “But don’t blame me when you’re bouncing off the walls.”

Rey laughed and resumed her monologue to the audience about the ingredients of her cake. Ben watched her for a few minutes, a fond smile on his face. The spill of mid-afternoon light through the kitchen window painted her in shades of gold, like some Byzantine icon. She bounced on her bare toes as she worked, and he eyed the flex of her calves and thighs with appreciation. The shorts she was wearing barely covered her ass. He _loved_ them.

She glanced at him, then burst into giggles. “Are you ogling me instead of baking?”

“And if I am?” He let his gaze rake over her, from her three messy buns to her tight tank top to the sacred shorts. His cock was already stiffening in his jeans. “What are you going to do about it?”

She hitched a breath, and her cheeks—already flushed from running around the kitchen—grew even pinker. “Mr. Solo,” she said admonishingly, and he grinned, knowing he was about to get his way. She never used their last names in videos, which meant she was about to stop this one and edit the mention out later. “Are you trying to distract me from baking this anniversary cake?”

He crossed the kitchen, grabbing her waist and tugging her into his body. “Yes,” he murmured in her ear. “Is it working?”

She turned her head to trail kisses over his cheek and neck. “Definitely.”

He grabbed her ass and hoisted her into his arms, and she wrapped her legs around him. When their lips met, he sighed at the sense of rightness. Rey was his heart, his home, his safe place. She was everything he wanted, everything he would ever need.

“Bedroom,” he growled against her lips. She nodded, and he started carrying her in that direction.

The phone clattered to the counter, forgotten.

#

Much later, they lazed on the couch together, watching the sky above Central Park turn orange and pink with the setting sun. Lights flickered on below, a thousand tiny reminders of the lives that filled this crowded city.

It was beautiful.

A year ago, Ben would never have had that thought. Sunsets hadn’t meant much when he’d worked until all hours. He’d rarely looked up at the sky, anyway, eyes fixed on his phone or his laptop or whatever report he was drafting. If anything, sunsets had made him sick: just another reminder that there wasn’t enough time in the day for everything he needed to do.

Now that he was working reasonable hours at a local nonprofit, he had plenty of time. Time to look at a sunset and smile at what it signified. Time to enjoy another night with the love of his life. Time to cuddle with her on a couch, saying nothing, with the aftertaste of kisses and chocolate frosting on their tongues.

“Sometimes I wonder,” Rey said sleepily next to him. As predicted, the cake had sent her energy through the roof, and now she was crashing.

He cuddled her closer, relishing the feel of her bare skin. Neither of them had bothered putting clothes back on after the latest round of sex. “What do you wonder?”

She yawned. “What would have happened if you hadn’t been drunkenly scrolling through YouTube that night.”

He didn’t want to imagine. Now that he’d had a year of basking in Rey’s light, it was hard to even think of those years under Snoke. That version of Ben had been broken: drunk and depressed and spiraling deeper into darkness with every day. Maybe he would have hit the bottom eventually, blown his life up just as dramatically… but maybe not.

Maybe he would still be there right now, going through the motions, the part of him that loved and dreamed long-dead.

“I would have been very unhappy,” he said. Some thoughts were too big for words, but he knew she understood by the way she looked at him.

“Me, too,” she whispered.

He scoffed. “You had your friends and your channel and your whole life ahead of you. I know you, Rey. You flourish wherever you’re planted. You aim for the light no matter what.”

“That wasn’t flourishing,” she said. “That was just… doing my best.” She leaned her head against his shoulder, face turned to gaze out the window. The setting sun caressed her gold-flecked skin; it loved her nearly as much as Ben did. “Besides,” she said, lips turning up. “If I aim for the light, what does that say about you?”

He buried his face in her hair, embarrassed by the praise. “I can’t say I understand,” he said, “but at this point, I’m just thrilled you want to be with me at all.”

“You never give yourself enough credit.” It was an argument they’d had many times, and she said the words with the matter-of-fact air of someone stating an undeniable truth. “You’re good and smart and kind, and I was so lonely without you.” She hummed a little. “It’s like you filled up all the empty places in me.”

Tears beaded in Ben’s eyes as an achingly sweet emotion swelled in his chest. “That’s how it feels for me, too.”

The next thought hit him all at once, a solid and clear certainty that felt like it had always been there. The bedrock of the future they would build together. _It’s time._

“Stay here,” he said, disentangling their limbs. He dropped a kiss on her forehead before standing up.

Rey made a sound of protest. “Where are you going?”

“Bathroom,” he lied.  
  
“Fine, fine,” she grumbled. “But don’t you dare put clothes on.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it.”

The ring box was in the drawer of his nightstand. His fingers trembled as he pulled it out, trying to stay quiet. He’d shut the bathroom door loudly to cover his tracks, but Rey was both inquisitive and perceptive. If she wasn’t in a sugar coma, she’d probably be poking around the apartment, ready to appear behind him at the worst possible time.

He waited a few minutes, then headed back out into the living room. Rey was lying on her belly on the couch, feet kicked up and chin resting on her folded arms as she looked out the window.

She looked over her shoulder, and her face broke into a grin. “You’re back! I missed you.”

“It was three minutes,” he said, heading into the kitchen. Doing this naked was perhaps not his smartest idea, since he had nowhere to hide the box, but he was lucky enough to have hands massive enough to conceal it in a fist. He set it down, then retrieved the champagne from the fridge and uncorked it.

“Oooh,” Rey said. He nearly jumped out of his skin when he realized she was standing at the arched entrance to the kitchen, mere feet from where the ring box was pressed up against the spice rack. Luckily, her eyes were fixed on the champagne. “More anniversary surprises?”

“One of many,” he said, getting the flutes down from the cabinet and praying she would keep focusing on him, rather than the countertop. “And don’t think I’ve forgotten your promise to eat a healthy dinner if we had cake first. Now go sit back down.”

She rolled her eyes. “Fine, fine. Make me eat my vegetables.” She popped up on her toes and kissed him, and despite his rampaging nerves, Ben took his time kissing her back. He would never get enough of the feel of her soft lips against his.

When she pulled back at last, she looked a little hazy-eyed. “Is taking me to bed again one of the upcoming surprises?” she asked, biting her lip and trailing a hand down his bare chest.

Ben’s cock stirred in interest, despite having already performed miraculous feats today. His refractory period wasn’t what it had been when he’d been nineteen and prone to furiously jerking his cock multiple times a day, but when it came to Rey, he felt like he was a decade younger. “Yes,” he said, reaching down to grab a handful of her round, muscular ass. “But champagne first.” He squeezed her cheek, then released her. “Now go sit.”

“Yes, sir.” She saluted, breasts bobbing with the movement, and he cursed internally as his dick twitched. He hadn’t imagined he’d be doing this naked—he’d envisioned them at a fancy restaurant, maybe, or in an outdoor hot tub at a mountain chalet—but he _especially_ hadn’t imagined doing it with a full erection.

 _It’s time,_ the little voice in his head insisted as Rey turned and headed back to the couch. Naked or not, erection or not, it was time for Ben to take this step. He’d spent far too much of his life without her; now he couldn’t wait to spend the rest of it _with_ her.

When the glasses were poured, he looked between them, realizing there was nowhere to put the ring box. He knew better than to drop the ring in her glass of champagne, since Rey would eat or drink whatever he put in front of her without even looking at it, and he didn’t fancy a trip to the ER. For a mad moment, he wondered if he could hold the box in his ass crack, but that led to an image of him retrieving it in front of a deeply alarmed Rey, and he quickly discarded the idea.

One thing at a time, then. He took a deep breath.

He could do this.

He took both glasses out and set them on the coffee table, then hurried back into the kitchen to grab the box. Luckily, Rey was still standing at the living room window, staring down at Central Park. It was dim inside the room, so he wasn’t worried about anyone looking up and seeing her, but it made him smile to see her pressed up to the glass, completely naked. She was so enthusiastic about everything that she rarely cared what was practical or polite, and he loved her for it.

He joined her at the window, handing her a glass of champagne.

“Thank you,” she said. She looked at his hands, empty save for one clenched fist. “Where’s yours?”

In response, Ben sank to one knee in front of her, popping open the ring box. Inside sat an elegant platinum band bearing a pear-cut blue sapphire flanked by two diamonds.

Rey’s eyes widened. “Ben—”

“Rey,” he said, mustering all his courage. His heart was pounding, and he was starting to sweat. “I am madly in love with you. You are the most perfect, amazing person on the planet, and you make me smile every day, and that’s really something because I don’t think I smiled at all for about five years before I met you.”

Her hazel eyes grew watery, and he was glad there was still enough sunset glow to illuminate her beautiful face. The scene took on the shading of a dream, and Ben felt a bit like he was floating, his soul detaching from his body and drifting heavenwards.

“You light up my life, and shit, that’s probably a cliche, but it’s true. Being with you… it’s like I saw the world in black-and-white, and suddenly it was all in color.” His vision blurred, and he realized he was starting to cry, too. “I want to make you happy. I want to help you fulfill your dreams. I want to watch you _soar,_ Rey, and I know you will. You’re incredible, and I feel lucky just to get to be near you. To love you, as well and as long as you’ll let me.”

“Oh my God,” she said in a tear-garbled voice.

Fuck, he hoped she wasn’t upset. Well, he’d already started this; he couldn’t stop now. “And I hope you’ll let me do it for a long time. Forever, in fact. And I was going to wait for some big moment, like while watching fireworks from a boat on the Danube or some shit, but I realized earlier that the big moments aren’t why I love you. It’s all the little moments, like just sitting with you on a couch, looking out the window after we ate a bunch of cake.”

Rey was sobbing now, hands pressed to her mouth, and Ben was going to tentatively take that as a good sign. It was either that or the worst possible sign imaginable, and he wasn’t ready to contemplate that possibility.

He look a deep breath. “So now I’m asking, Rey. Will you let me love you? Will you share a lifetime of little moments with me? Will you marry me?”

In response, Rey dropped to her knees and flung her arms around him, kissing him soundly. The champagne slopped all over, but neither of them seemed to care, and after a few seconds of the passionate embrace, the glass dropped to the floor, too. Thankfully, it didn’t break, but Ben didn’t think he could have stopped kissing Rey even if it had. When he tried to pull away in order to put the ring on her finger, she made a noise of protest and batted his hand away, kissing him harder. All right, that was fine—the ring could wait, and this was the important part, anyway. He shut the box and tossed it aside to think about later.

He struggled to his feet, bringing her up with him without breaking the kiss, then caught her when she leapt into his arms. Her gorgeous ass was in his hands, her legs were wrapped around him, and Ben was in heaven. He staggered towards the bedroom, bumping into the coffee table and the couch on the way. He was going to end up with bruised shins, but who cared? Rey had leapt into his arms after his proposal. She hadn’t said the words yet, but she was telling him with every caress of her lips.

Their mouths only parted when he lowered her onto the sheets. The bed smelled like sex, like _them,_ and he took a moment to take it all in: the musky scent, the swelling emotion in his heart, the sight of the love of his life lying naked in what was going to become _their_ bed, her sleek curves illuminated by the last light of the setting sun.

Her hazel eyes were full of tears. “I love you so much,” she said, holding her arms out. “And I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you.”

He made an inarticulate sound and clambered on top of her with more enthusiasm than finesse. Rey giggled when her knee knocked against his ribs and her hair got trapped under his elbow. “Careful there, big guy,” she said. “You’re going to injure yourself.”

“Fuck careful,” he said, settling between her legs at last. “You’re going to be my _wife._ ”

Her lips parted as a look of wonder crossed her face. “It sounds so serious like that,” she said. “ _Wife._ Very… grown-up.”

He remembered then that she was only twenty-one years old—something he often forgot, since she was so mature for her age (and since he was, more than likely, emotionally stunted for his age). “Shit,” he said, feeling a flare of panic. “Do you want to wait? You haven’t even graduated yet—”

“Shut up and kiss me,” she said, grabbing his head and yanking him down to her.

He wouldn’t argue. Ben smiled into the kiss, hardly able to believe this was really happening. Rey was his, and he was hers, and it was going to be that way for the rest of their lives.

Their bodies moved urgently together as they kissed. Ben’s cock was pinned between their bodies, and every roll of Rey’s hips put pressure against the sensitive head. He shifted lower, changing the angle so he could thrust over her pussy, instead.

“Oh,” she gasped as his cock rubbed over her clit. “Ben, please.”

She was already incredibly wet, and he hadn’t even fingered or licked her yet. He reached between them to strum her clit, but she grabbed his wrist to stop him. “I’m ready,” she panted against his mouth. “Make me yours, Ben. Please.”

“You are mine,” he said as he gripped his cock and guided it to her entrance. “Now and forever.”

With that, he started sinking into her, slow and steady. She was tight and hot and so fucking wet, and he groaned as he bottomed out. He stilled, taking in the sensations. She was everywhere—pussy clenching around him, thighs squeezing his hips, arms wrapped around his neck.

It was impossible to describe the mix of feelings in his chest. He felt powerful and weak all at once, both the conqueror and the conquered. Rey was half his size, but she could crush him utterly, should she ever choose to.

Looking down into her smiling eyes, Ben knew she never would. The two of them would protect and love and fight for each other until the very end.

He unhooked her hands from around his neck, then twined his fingers with hers and pinned them beside her head. It wasn’t a gesture of domination, just one more way to get closer. “I never want to be apart from you,” he whispered.

“Me, neither.” Her eyes shone. “You’re my happy ending, Ben Solo.”

He kissed her softly, heart overflowing with joy. “You’re my happy beginning.”

After that, there were no more words. He moved slowly inside her, wanting the moment to last as long as possible. This wasn’t frantic fucking like they often did when they were too riled up to bother with foreplay. This was making love.

Rey sighed into his mouth as he set a smooth, relentless rhythm. He inhaled deeply, wanting to taste her breath, wanting every piece of her he could possibly get. This exchange, this mutual sharing of pleasure, was a reflection of their love story. He might be the one with the money, but he'd never once felt like he was giving more than he received.

Rey had given him joy, stability, and hope. She’d given him the ability to dream again, and that was the greatest treasure of all.

The drag of his cock against her soft inner walls was deliriously pleasurable. He groaned as the pressure built. He might want this to last forever, but his dick had other thoughts. Determined to make Rey come first, he released one of her hands so he could reach between them and rub her clit.

Rey moaned and gripped his hair. “Just like that,” she said. “God, Ben, I love you so much…”

“I love you, too,” he panted, struggling not to come. _Nice and steady,_ he told himself. _She comes first._

Luckily, he knew exactly how to make Rey come after a year of practice. He bore down with his thumb, working her clit hard and fast as his hips kept pistoning.

Rey’s head thrashed on the pillow. “Yes, yes… Ben!” She shouted his name as she orgasmed, and Ben groaned at the feel of her pussy clenching around him in rhythmic bursts. It was too much, and he came with a shout, the pressure releasing all at once as he pumped her full of his cum.

He buried his face in the pillow next to her head, hips jerking helplessly a few final times. His dick was oversensitive, but being inside her felt too good to stop.

Eventually, though, he had to pull out. He collapsed onto his side next to her, eyes fluttering shut. “Thank you,” he said, since every other coherent thought had fled out of his head.

Rey giggled, and he felt her fingers stroke through his hair. “You don’t need to thank me,” she said. “We did that together.”

His body felt so relaxed he might melt into the bed, but his mind was soaring somewhere above the clouds. “You’re going to be my wife,” he mumbled into the pillow. “Mrs. Fucking Solo.” His eyes snapped open as he realized that statement was really presumptuous. “I mean, if you want—”

“I want, Ben.” Rey beamed at him. She was lying on her side, too, her position mirroring his. “I want to be your wife. I want to be Mrs. Solo.”

“Oh, thank God.” Ben couldn’t stop smiling. Was this what his life was going to be like from now on? Constant smiling?

If so, he thought he could get used to it.

“I’ve never had a last name I chose for myself,” Rey said, trailing her finger up and down his arm. “I mean, no one does, but I never had a family connection, either. So this… this is me choosing. I choose you.”

Ben’s grin was so big, he thought he might do permanent damage to his facial muscles. “That means… so much,” he said, fighting to speak past the lump in his throat. Unable to resist, he wrapped his arms around her and tugged her into his body, eliminating the few inches that separated them. “You’re my entire life, Rey,” he choked out.

She pressed kisses against his chest. “And you’re my heart,” she said softly. “But I hope you don’t think I’m the only thing you have in life, Ben. You have your brain and your heart and your ideals and… and your family, even. You have a whole life, and I’m glad to be a part of it, but you’re so much more than you realize.”

Her stutter when mentioning his family mirrored his wince. Over the last year, and with assistance from Rey on both sides, his relationship with his parents had at least become cordial, but he was still a long way away from embracing them with open arms. “I like you better than anything else in my life,” he said stubbornly.

Rey wriggled her arm out from between them so she could cup his cheek. “And I like you better than anything else in my life, too.” She looked up at him earnestly. “But here’s the truth, Ben Solo. You have never been as kind to yourself as you are to me. I’m reckless and messy and far from perfect, but you treat me like I have value, anyway.”

“You do,” he said hotly, hating any hint of negativity when it came to Rey’s amazing personality. “You’re the best person in the entire world.”

Rey giggled, although her eyes were bright with tears. “Thank you, my love. That means so much to me, and I hope you know I feel the same about you. But the point is, you’ve never extended yourself the same grace you give me when I’m cranky or hungry or tired. When I look at you, your goodness and worth are practically blinding, but you can’t even see how bright you are.”

His throat was thick with emotion. “Post-coital pep talks, huh?”

Rey nuzzled her face into his chest. “I just want us to start this marriage with complete honesty,” she said, voice muffled. “My honesty is telling you that I’m the luckiest woman in the world to get to be with you. And I’m not going to stop telling you, no matter how long it takes for you to believe it.”

He swallowed hard. “It might take a while,” he admitted.

Rey kissed him right over his heart. “Luckily, we have a lifetime.”

He wished he knew how to say everything in his heart. "Rey, I'm just so fucking happy and lucky, and... and I wish I had the words to say it all."

"I know," she said, kissing his chest again. "Me, too."

They lay like that for a long time, cuddling and enjoying the feel of bare skin and open hearts. As the sun finally set, drowsiness crept over Ben. “Let’s get married after you graduate,” he said sleepily. “I’ll take you around the world for our honeymoon.”

“That sounds perfect.” She sounded just as tired, and he loved the little kitten yawn she made against his chest. “I’m so glad you asked me to marry you, Ben.”

“Me, too.” A thought struck him, and he chuckled. “You know, I don’t think you ever actually said the word ‘yes.’”

“What?” Rey's head popped up, and her eyes were so wide and horrified that Ben had to laugh outright.

“It’s true," he said. "I asked, and you just kind of mauled me.”

“Oh.” Rey bit her lip and grinned, one of his favorite expressions of hers. “Well, then, Ben Solo, let me correct that. Today, Rey’s going to try… saying yes.”

Their mouths met once more. It was messy and clumsy, all finesse lost because neither of them could stop grinning, and it was the best moment of Ben’s life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The End! I hope you liked reading this fic as much as I liked writing it. Thank you so much for your support. I read each and every comment, and even though I'm bad at responding, please know they bring me joy. If you liked this chapter, too, I'd love to hear it!
> 
> Rey's ring. 
> 
> I could have spent more time on Ben's relationship with Han and Leia, but it didn't feel right for this fic. The focus has been on Ben and Rey's loneliness and how love can heal their wounds, and I wanted to keep that focus tight. But for those wondering, Rey harassed both Han and Ben into eventually talking, at which point both men awkwardly apologized. They've gotten to the point where Ben and Rey occasionally meet Han and Leia for dinner. It's still a little awkward, and they haven't fully talked through all their issues yet, but they're gradually healing. <3
> 
> ALSO, guess what?? There's now a Russian translation! Thank you so much to the amazing [Elafira](https://twitter.com/Elafira2) for doing this. I'm so happy right now. [https://archiveofourown.org/works/22667155](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22281415/chapters/53211565)
> 
> Ugh Reylo is the best. Thank you all for being part of the fabulous community.


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